Hi. Sure hope you had a good day. Mine actually started off quite well but I’m afraid it might not end on the same note. I fear I’ll be doing lots of thinking tonight before I sleep. Gosh! Am I so special a human being? Am I so unique that I now tend to be a ‘weirdo’? Are there truly others like me???
I just left a flatmate’s room and the company of four hostel buddies. Before I actually visited, I was just about getting ready to draft my story on how I had sex with a forum instructor in the restroom of a hotel today but I feel that can wait till next time. It really should wait because tonight, I just need to get some thoughts off my mind.
Like I said, I had already turned on my laptop and was thinking of how best to begin the story when one of my hostel buddies, a livewire fellow, came into my room to borrow a spoon and more importantly, ask me an amusing question, which created the reason for my writing this. After taking the spoon from my cutlery chest, ‘Livewire’ said to me “Bros, kon hear wetin ‘Tallie’ yarn o! Im say since the beginning of this year, im never fuck. You believe am?”
“Ahn-ahn! Shey im dey wind you ni? Im never fuck at all this year? How dat one take happen nau? With dat im luger? (this dude’s dick is actually huge and mean-looking like a German semi-automatic pistol). Abegi joor! Even if im never fuck, at least im go don wank die” I said.
‘Livewire’ then shocked me by adding “Ehen! Na wetin me sef tell am but im insist say im never wank before too”.
At this I was both amazed and curious. Amazed that a young man WHO ISN’T A VIRGIN had not had sex for close to eight months and has never ‘helped himself’ EVER. I mean, this is the same guy who a girl on our street has been trying so hard to seduce by greeting him more often than necessary and shaking her ‘nyash’ extra hard each time they are through exchanging pleasantries and she leaves his company, knowing he can still see her walking away. She even just recently, gave him a big bottle of palm-oil to cook beans that we ate yesterday morning for free when all he really asked for was a small tin cup of it. I remain certain that once this bitch feels my guy’s ‘Luger’, she would be hooked and do her best to see to it that she keeps ‘getting shot’. I keep telling him too to notice these signs and quickly ‘give’ her what she ‘wants’ before she stops being all nice and friendly with him but the motherfucker never listens to me.
Then, I was also curious as to how exactly the ‘No fucking/wanking’ stunt was possible and my curiosity prompted me to go with ‘Livewire’ to ‘Tallie’s’ room.
On getting there, I met ‘Tallie’, ‘Free’ and ‘Rapstar’ arguing about Real Madrid and Barcelona and quickly changed the topic as soon as I walked in. Adding myself and ‘Livewire’ made us a total of five persons in the room.
ME: (Speaking to Tallie) Ngbo, na true say you never fuck this year?
TALLIE: I know say Livewire go run come tell you. Im leg no dey gree stay one place.
ME: I know but no be dat one carry me come. Im also yarn say you never wank for your life before. Abeg na true???
TALLIE: Yes nau! Na true o! I never wank for my life and I no fit do am. Aspa fucking, I know say you no go believe me but na true.
ME: Chai! How…how you take manage that kain tin. When no be say you never taste sex before. Abi konji nor dey worry you?
RAPSTAR: (Cutting in).. E dey very possible guy. You no know say sex na state of the mind? E dey very possible make person go without sex for years sef.
TALLIE: Yes nau! Very true. The truth be say, sex no just dey freak me. No be big deal.
RAPSTAR: Yes o! I believe sex is just overrated. Na mind state mehn!
ME: Come o! Shey una serious with wetin una dey even talk sef?
LIVEWIRE: (Speaking to me) Boss, no mind them o! Dem dey lie big time. As you see them so, dem go be hardcore ‘wankstars’….(laughs)
ME: Omo mehn! Me I nor understand o! I can’t even imagine going without sex for a month. I wan die be that.
FREE: Ehn! Na because you too like toto nau! Some guys like me no too like pussy like dat.
ME: Ehn! I know but dat one no mean say make person no mount toto or lamba for close to eight fucking months.
RAPSTAR: Mehn! Sex is just both exaggerated and overrated. It’s not a big deal.
TALLIE: I agree. There was indeed a time when I used to like sex so much. All that changed when after each time I disturbed my girlfriend for sex and she reluctantly gave it to me, she would ask me afterwards in a sarcastic manner “Are you satisfied now?” Each time she said that, I got a little depressed and kept convincing myself never to ask her for sex again until she herself wanted it. In time, I came to regard sex as nothing. Sex is nothing.
LIVEWIRE: (Speaking to Tallie) So, because your babe dey ask you “Are you satisfied?” that one kon mean say make you dey bone sex? Chai! Guy you no well. Infact, e be like say you no dey lamba the girl well, because if to say you dey gun am down with that your ‘luger’, dem for nor born am well to dey ask dat kain foolish question. (Turning to me) Abi bros, I lie?
ME: Omo, me I nor understand o! Una just dey confuse me. Even if I wan talk say I nor wan disturb my girlfriend for sex, at least I suppose help myself nau!
RAPSTAR: That’s you mayne! Not everyone is comfortable with that. Not everyone likes to touch himself. The truth is, sex is just overrated.
ME: Why do you keep saying that. Anyone who believes that obviously has never had great, exhilarating sex.
LIVEWIRE: Bros, tell them o! These ones never fuck better pussy before. Me sef, even if I say I no wan nack toto, I must wank. How I no go do either of the two? You wan make sperm full my bodi ni?
FREE: That one no fit happen. Virgins nko? Why you think say men dey get wet dreams? Na to allow excess sperm commot for person bodi nau!
RAPSTAR: (Addressing FREE) Guy, correct! Na so! Bottom line be say, all na state of mind. Even freaks, with the right mind state go fit go without sex for a full year.
(Confusion sets in and everyone shouts in argument)
ME: (Shouts) MEN! I NO LEAVE UNA O! I WAN GO BLOG ABOUT DIS YARNINGS
(I take my exit and return to my room. My lappy, already on standby)
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