The Chick On The Ride Home

Heyyy……*covers face in shame*. Okay, okay….*sigh* I’ll just spill it out now – I’M SORRY! I swear it was my step-bro who prevented me from posting this before now! He didn’t even let me take a bath upon my arrival. He just whisked me away to our neighbourhood pub and seriously dealt with me with stout and suya. By the time we got back home, I was too tipsy to even locate the ‘ON’ knob on my computer so I slept off jejely. Nor vex abeg!

And oh yeah! My bad again. I know you’re most likely expecting me to continue the tale about ‘Angelina’ right now. I wanna do so too but like I said in one of my tweets the day before yesterday, I just gotta share with you what happened to me on the ride home. Some funny and pervy shit it is I tell ya! Lolz………….

So, it so happened that I boarded a public vehicle at Challenge Roundabout in Ibadan, like I normally do anyway. This time though, I opted for a nice-looking Toyota Sienna to give my long legs some extra room. I regarded the extra N500 as a worthy sacrifice and worthy it truly ended up being…..*smile*. Allow me explain.

You see, after confirming that the vehicle was actually going to get to my stop, I asked a fella with deeply-cut facial marks who was already seated by the window side in the middle if the school bag next to him belonged to another passenger and he nodded in reply. I then proceeded to the back seat and got comfortable. Oh how I fumed with anger when this tribal-marked muthafucker carried the bag and placed it on his laps to encourage a pretty-looking female corper to take her seat beside him. That school bag had belonged to the idiot the whole time. Such buffoonery!

“But guy, I asked you if that seat was already taken and you said yes.”

“Ehn…yes. What happen is that somebody is told me to keep the space for her that she is go to buy something and that she is come back soon.” The idiot said.

“Ehen! So you’re supposed to be keeping that space for someone yet you kindly allowed this young lady take the seat? What then will you tell that person when she returns?” I tried to probe the fool further and unintentionally ended up getting the innocent corper’s attention.

“Em…excuse me but has this seat already been taken?” she asked. She and I then threw our stares at the ma’fucker. Although, while hers was the innocent curiosity stare, mine was the one of annoyance.

“Ah! No o! Em…you see, that person have take a long time to come back sef. I don’t think she is want to come back again”. Mayne!....I just couldn’t help but shake my head at this point and one elderly man in the front seat threw a sweet jibe at the fool to make me feel better and him, remorseful.

“My friend, don’t mind him ojere. He was probably saving that seat for somebody with breasts”.

Papa and I with another middle-aged looking woman sitting beside the driver’s seat suddenly burst out in laughter over that hilarious remark. “Papa must be #TeamPerv” I thought right after, but don’t worry….. I didn’t ask him if he was on Twitter…..Lolz.

I must confess though that our pretty corper wasn’t quite amused by the joke. She knew the joke was about her and her soon-to-be trip partner and she scrunched up her face immediately. “Abeg o! Shey na me send am message make she get bobbie ni? Na she sabi.” I knew there was hardly anyway ma idiotic friend would be getting any positive attention from her now and I laughed….only now, on the inside.

We were just two passengers short for a drive-off now and while I decided to kill time by listening to music with my cute earphones, ‘fight-lion’ brother was struggling to redeem his wounded pride. He kept brandishing his probably London-used Blackberry Bold 2 till I suspected he was desperate to show-off his pinging-gadget to his female nation-serving companion and probably get the much desired attention from her. All that changed though when she brought out her own brand new Blackberry Curve 7. The fool just gently ceased waving his phone about, took out his own earpiece and copied me in listening to whatever music he had on his phone……most likely music from Osupa Saheed…..Lolz.

I relaxed and sat back there for a while not knowing something cool was coming my way and when it finally did some five minutes later, it came in the form of another pretty young thing…..YES! A another female….*wink*.

“Hello. May I please join you?” she asked me in a soft and sweet voice.

Gladly, my music wasn’t turned up so loud so I heard her. “Sure. Why not?” I replied with a straight face. Trust me though, it wasn’t easy doing that with an unconcerned face because this chick was definitely pleasant to the sight. In her yellow top and brown skinny jeans, she looked beautiful. Her face was really quite pretty and it was partly covered by strands of her rich and shiny black hair. Although she had slightly large ears, her green eyes, small nose and thin lips gave her face a pleasant look but it was actually her body that got the most of my attention. I very much appreciated her flat looking tummy, curvy hips and big backside despite being quite slim. And oh yeah! She had a nice chest. Her medium sized titties jutted out from her top with the inscription “You think I’m beautiful? I think I’m beyond it *smile*”.

Though I was sexually attracted to her, I made up my mind not to give a fuck or act overly friendly during the journey. I already knew what chicks who thought they were beautiful did to male admirers. They were usually full of themselves once they suspected a dude was interested in being friendly. I wasn’t going to ‘send’ her. I was going to listen to my music all the way till I got to my stop.

‘Fight-lion’ fool proved to be even more foolish now. Though he already had a female companion by his side, he kept throwing and stealing glances at my neighbour’s way. His situation got so pathetic when he asked her for the time and I simply shook my head in disgust. “Shey na the two gehs im wan set P with ni??? Ode buruku!

The last passenger came finally and after we all filled in the necessary information on a register, we set off immediately for Lagos. I smiled inside. “Lasgidi her I come!” and that was just when cool shit started happening to me….lolz.

15 minutes into the drive, my pretty-looking neighbour brought out a pack containing fried rice and chicken as well as a bottle of Mirinda from her bag. I was still listening to music while she took her meal out but I saw her. I didn’t even bother to give her a glance because I was determined to mind my own business all through the journey. The fool in front of us however, kept straining his neck to give back glances at her as if he had never seen rice and chicken before in his life and I pitied him. “Na woman go kill you, dis guy” I said to myself and changed the track on my Westlife playlist. Don’t mind me o! I was in a Westlife mood then. It had been very long since I listened to any of the band’s songs.

A gentle tap on the shoulder got me pausing ‘When you’re looking like that’ and facing the pretty neighbour. “Would you like to join me?” she asked with a very tempting smile. If by ‘join me’, she meant join her in massaging her lips with mine, I would have gladly screamed YES! However I was certain she meant eating so I declined politely.

“Em…thank you but I’m fine. You’re very kind though” and I gave her a warm, friendly smile. She nodded in response and continued eating while I went back to Westlife, not knowing she wasn’t through with me just yet……not just yet…..lolz.

I caught her pick up her chicken, take a bite out of it and place it back onto her plastic plate before tapping me on the shoulder again. I paused ‘Loneliness’ and turned to my left to face her again.

“Do pardon me for disturbing your pleasure. It just suddenly hit me. Why did you say I was very kind please?”

“Well..em…it was only polite that I said that you know? Not many people would be willing to share their meals of fried rice and tasty-looking chicken with a total stranger in a public vehicle.” I smiled again and pretty neighbour chuckled.

“Wow! You’re funny. Tasty looking chicken indeed. It’s only chicken you know? No big deal!” and she chuckled again.

“Well, I’m sorry but chicken is a big deal where I rep. Some of us only get to eat that once a week at Madam Turkey’s joint.”

Pretty neighbour was obviously digging my subtle humour for she laughed hard this time. “Madam Turkey’s joint? Where in the world is that and do pardon me for prying but where do you actually rep so I can play my part in helping the needy and make chicken not so a big deal?” she giggled this time and I guessed she secretly hoped I didn’t find that offensive. I didn’t anyway ‘cos I knew she was only trying to be friendly with this fine and nice looking young man…..lolz.

I faked a laugh before saying “Dearest Madam Turkey’s joint is somewhere in Challenge. The boys visit there strictly on Sundays. I rep Barracks Hostel by the way and you sure you’re serious about helping the needy? I don’t think it’s a wise choice o!” I tried to humour her some more.

“But why?”

“Well, first of all, Barracks Hostel is a notorious place. Secondly, with a body like yours, you might end up being the chicken and being feasted on.” I struggled with myself not to laugh so hard after that silly comment.

“Are you passing me a compliment by any chance? And my body? What’s wrong with it?”

“Yes and oh no! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. Matter of fact, if you came to serve me chicken in my hostel, I’d be the first to hit that.” I winked afterwards.

I’m so fucking glad pretty neighbour didn’t take it the wrong way. Giving me a look of amazement with a dropped jaw, she said “Oh my! You’re such a perv!”

Oh how ecstatic I was upon hearing that. I grinned like a child and said “Why, thank you so damn much. That’s a real compliment.”

“Gosh! You regard being called a pervert a compliment?” You’re so funny.

“Gurl, you can’t understand, trust me.”

“Oh really? Make me then!”

“Nah! It’s kinda complicated. I doubt that you’d talk to me again if I did.”

“Oh pretty please!” she squealed. “Try me”.

“Okay! But remember, I warned you.” She smiled and I proceeded to log into my Twitter account. I went straight to my favourites and gave her my phone. It didn’t take long before her jaw dropped again and she looked at me suspiciously.

“Oh my God! I can’t believe what I’m seeing. This is nonsense from the top all the way down. Even your name is so sick. Oh my! You truly pride yourself in being a perv, don’t you?” She quickly passed my phone back and shook her head. I wasn’t quite sure if she did that in disgust or pity.

“Don’t mind me jare! That’s simply me for you.” I smiled at her.

“I sure can see that. Goodluck to you I guess. I could have easily followed you on Twitter but with what I’ve seen…HELL NO! *chuckles*. Em…yeah! You mentioned staying in a hostel. Do you study at U.I?”

“HEY! Take a chill pill gurl!” I started. “Don’t you think you know so much about me already? I mean, I don’t even know anything about you yet and that ain’t fair.” I tried to fake a frown and it worked.

“Oh I’m so sorry” she tendered. “My name is Folake and I just started my training at Zenith Bank. I just got the job and I live in Lagos but will be relocating to Ibadan soon. So there! Do tell me where you school now please?”

“LeadCity University” I said proudly and with a smile.

“Oh really? Nice! Em..course and level please?” she asked again.

“Mass communication. 700 level” I chuckled at that.

“Huh? 700 level??? There’s no such thing in any Nigerian University nau! Be serious joor!” She put up a frown now and that made me laugh some more.

“I’m dead serious gurl! 700 level is the code name for Master’s class in LCU. 600 for post graduate diploma 800 for M.Phil and 900 for Ph.D.”

“Really? Wow! That’s interesting.” She said. She then proceeded to ask me more questions about school and I did the same about hers and work so there would be no cheating….lolz

When all the questions had been asked and answered, she permitted me to go back to my music. That didn’t take long however because I had only listened to one more track before she tapped me again.

"Where are we now please?" she asked.


“Er...I'm not sure really but gurl, I sincerely don’t mean to be rude but this is the third time you’ve tapped me temptingly. May I do some tapping of my own?”

She laughed hard upon hearing this and said “So you want to retaliate abi? Okay. Go ahead.” I’m sure she expected me to touch her on her shoulder but I ended up surprising her by rubbing her right lap. Mayne! That feel of her thick thigh was awesome and I instantly felt Mr. P come alive.

“What!...What do you think you’re doing young man? My shoulder is up here!” she protested.

“Yeah I know but this is how I actually prefer to revenge. You chose my shoulder….I choose your sexy thigh.”

She quickly brushed my hand off her thigh and said “Boy, you need deliverance, trust me.”

“Indeed I do. How would you like to deliver me then? We can do it privately you know? Just you, I and Mr. P.”

“And who’s that?” she asked.

“Oh! That’s my little friend here.” I pointed to my pants to let her see the bulge that had formed there. She seemed flabbergasted.

“Do you get turned on so easily or do you just find me sexually attractive?” she pored into my eyes and asked.

“Well, both I must confess.” I smiled yet again.

“I see. So if you and I were to hook-up tonight, what exactly would you do to me?”

“Well that’s easy” here, take I said, handing her my earphones. As soon as she plugged them into her ears, I reduced the volume and played Westlife’s - ‘Lay my love on you’.

“Huh? You mean you would lay your love on me??? But we’re not in love you know?”

“Of course not! I made you listen to that song for a reason. Now here’s exactly what I’ll do to you dear”. I winked at her and began singing…………………………….

I’ll lay ma rod on you
It’s all I wanna do
And once I do, I swear you’ll feel brand new
Please open up your thighs……show me wetness so I can run my rod right through………..
And watch me lay ma ROD ON YOU!!!

Folake got the message. We couldn’t hook-up that same night but we’ll be doing so tomorrow. Thanks for reading.


Yours truly,

That Bloody Pervert