My Worst Sex Ever…………. (Sallah Meat)

DAMN!!! Okay, I’ll admit it. I won’t feel too fucking proud or too fucking ashamed to confess that I just had my worst sex EVER this evening. Gosh! I feel fucking terrible now at the thought of it. The thought of all that transpired before and after the regrettable 2 minutes of fuckery makes me shake my head in embarrassment even as I write this. It is my intention never to see Tokunbo again. I never ever wish to set eyes on her and I do solemnly pray that our paths never do cross again. YES O! I DEY VEX!

If only I had listened to the voice inside of me that told me to tell a lie, probably this evening’s unfortunate incident would never have occurred. I know it is a sin to lie but I somehow feel that telling a lie at times may result in a greater good. I mean…think about it! Telling a lie may save a life….may save the next person’s pleasant feelings and may not make him/her cry or end up feeling awful.

So, such was the lie I refused to tell Tokunbo when she called this morning after I had already made plans with my buddy of 5 years now. This hommie of mine who chose to spend sallah in Abeokuta had promised me a memorable outing today and promised to come pick me up by 2pm from work. I accepted the time at first but begged him later to adjust it to about 6pm after the stupid bitch (Tokunbo of course) surprised me with her own call that she would be visiting. Since I had not seen or fucked the bitch in a while, I made THE FATAL MISTAKE……THE VERY VERY GRAVE MISTAKE of telling her I was at home when she inquired where I was at the moment. I could have easily told her I wasn’t in or had already packed my bag and headed back to Ibadan. I could have easily done that but the lust burning in my loins prompted me to do otherwise and ask my friend politely to pick me up much later. Little did I know this horrible error would cost me something so saddening to always remember and regret……*sigh*

It all started when Tokunbo, the stupid little bitch kept me waiting for hours. Ordinarily, a trip to my place from hers should have cost her nothing more than an hour (including the regular time wasted on the nasty traffic along Lagos/Abeokuta expressway). However, can you imagine this bitch left me hanging and anticipating for 6 bloody hours??? No kidding mayne! She informed me of her intended visit at about 10am this morning saying “I am coming over” and making it sound like she was just about to hop on a bus whereas she only showed up at my front door around past 4pm. Despite the fact that she kept calling to make me understand that she experienced some hitches along the way, I couldn’t help but think “What Tha Fuck!” all through.

Before she finally arrived, Mr. P kept switching from limp to stiff as I kept imagining having her beneath me on my bed once again. The thought of drilling her tight vagina and sucking her small but luscious brown titties got me overly excited. I imagined her clawing the back of my shoulders again as I pumped hot and hard flesh into her sweet opening to make her squirm and burst with pleasure and those trying hours of waiting seemed to be nothing but wicked torture. Oh why didn’t I just call and ask her to go back with the excuse that I had something important to attend to somewhere, even if that ‘something important’ involved drinking stout, relishing goat meat peppersoup and chatting-up hoes. Sometimes, as I’ve now come to realise, telling lies may end up being for a good cause.

“Hello love!” Tokunbo exclaimed as she walked in through the main gate and threw her arms around my neck for a hug.

“Hi baby” I responded dryly, reciprocating with my own arms around her waist. I quickly took her view in and was glad she still liked ponytails. That shit be sexy as fuck. Other than that, she looked plain simple in a sleeveless button shirt and tight-fitting jeans, with the regular facial make-up of course….lolz

“I’ve missed you baby! Did you miss me?”

“Yeah. Of course.” God knows I truly didn’t mean that.

“Oh baby, the hot sun has made me very thirsty. Can I please get a glass of cold water?”

“Sure. Why don’t we step into the living room then?

“Okay.” And that ended the brief conversation outside.

Once inside the living room, I left the bitch and made for the kitchen to get the glass of water she requested. Little did I know that some drama was right there waiting for me in the environment I temporarily abandoned.

“Here” I politely said, handing her the tall glass of water.

The bitch took the glass cup from me with a smile, took a sip and replaced her smile with a frown. “Ahn-ahn! I said cold glass of water nau!”

With a puzzled look on my face, I seized the cup in her hand and took a sip to confirm her complaint.

“Huh? This water is cold nau!”

“Ehn…I’m not saying it’s not cold but it’s not cold enough for me o! Don’t you know I just came here in the hot sun?” Her frown got deeper.

“Sorry my dear. This is actually the best I can do. We don’t have drinking water cooler than this. Do you want me to go get you a very cold soft drink from the shop close by?” I asked, willing to please my fast becoming annoying guest so that at least I could get ‘some’ in the end. No bitch gives a guy ‘some’ when she’s unhappy you know?

“Er…No. I’ll manage this.” She reached for my hand with the cup and I released it back to her. I then joined her on the couch and adjusted my robe, which covered only the pair of boxer shorts that I had underneath.

After downing the whole glass of water, “Ehen baby, where is my Sallah meat” giving me a curious look.

“Sallah meat? But you’re a muslim too nau!. Okay, if you want Sallah meat, there must be no cheating. Give me mine and I’ll give you yours.”

“Ehn..fine! I kuku came with yours. Just make sure you have mine ready” she said with a mischievous grin.

“Really, you brought some Sallah meat for me? Gosh! But you really didn’t have to. Okay then, where is it? In your bag huh?” My dumb-ass self didn’t get the hint just then.

Tokunbo laughed out loudly “It’s not in my bag o! But I came with it sha. Look, (pointing to her pussy), it’s right here. More laughter followed.

I felt a bit like a fool for not catching-in on her joke before she made it clearer. “Oh!” *scratching my head and giggling* “So, that’s my Sallah meat ehn? Sweet! I have yours right here.” I said placing my left palm on my crotch.

“LEMME SEE!…Lemme see!” the bitch burst out suddenly. “Lemme see, so I can confirm that it’s there and know you’re not lying.”

“Go ahead and be my guest dear. It’s all yours.” I put my arms behind my head as I adjusted on the couch and granted her permission to probe my robe for an already hard Mr. P aka ‘Sallah meat’…..lolz

“Mmmm……This my Sallah meat is too hard o!” chuckling as she rubbed both my balls and cock. “Seems like we are going to have to boil it a little to make it soft”. And more chuckling followed.

“Ehn…it’s because this is the ‘Ishan’ that I kept specially for you. You know that part of the cow is always strong and hard to chew?”

“Yes that’s true. I even like ‘Ishan’ sef. It is always sweet” *smiling*

“Good! So how about you have a taste and tell me what you think then? I will taste your own ‘Kpomo’ later and I know the ‘Kpomo’ you brought for me will be very soft and sweet.” I laughed as I said this and my laughter became infectious because the little tramp joined me in it.

“Okay. Oya, take off your robe so I can see it.”

I quickly untie my piece of long clothing and open it to give her access to my pair of boxers bearing a huge bulge inside. “Okay baby. Oya”

“I said take it off nau!”

“But it’s already open nau!”

“I know but I want you to take it off completely.”

“But why? You already have access to your Sallah meat nau!. All you have to do is use the small opening in my boxers.”

“No joor! I want you to be fully naked” A frown found its way to her face again.

“Baby c’mon nau….I want it this way. You sucking me with a robe on is definitely some freaky and sexy shit.”

AND THEN IT HAPPENED………………………GHEN-GHEN!………STRIKE 1

“Freaky shit kÖ……Freakalicious nì….Mtscheew! TAKE IT OFF JOOR!!!”

At that bellow, Mr. P, without any warning or hesitation, suddenly went limp.

“Alright then. Don’t suck me anymore” It was my time to frown now and I didn’t hide it.

The stupid little bitch studied me for a while and her voice got softer. “Ahn-ahn nau! Please nau! I want my sallah meat o! *faking a childish cry* Pleaaaassseeee….Okay, *takes off her denim pants to reveal a faded green pantie* can I at least put my Sallah meat here *points to her pussy*

For some reason…..some reason which I couldn’t just understand, Mr. P suddenly came alive again. He came back even harder than before. I guess he was fucking excited over the chance to feel some sweet warmth and I simply couldn’t blame him.

“Er…well…*with suspicion written all over my face* okay. You certainly can. I’ve missed fucking you so bad. I then tried to fully pull off my boxers but then came a shocker.

“Ehn….Shooo…You want us to do it here? No nau! Let’s go to your room please” she begged.

“But it’s just the two of us all alone in the house nau! Why don’t you want us to do it here? Can’t we just try something new and freaky for a change? I should have been wiser but I had already used the word again. It was too late.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN………………GHEN-GHEN!………STRIKE 2

“You and this your ‘Freaky’ sef ehn! Freaky kÖ……Freakolorobo nì. LET’S GO TO THE ROOM JOOR!!!”

I never knew Mr. P could be that fucking sensitive, for in that instant, he went limp as fuck again. *smh*

“Chick, na wa for you o! Well, I guess I really don’t have a choice now, do I? I guess you really don’t wanna fuck me here.”

“No joor!” And at that stupid little bitch grabbed my arm and dragged me along to my room within the house. I was fucking lucky not to trip and fall from my half drawn boxer shorts. Even if I did though, I was sort of rest assured that the aftermath would make up for the little pain experienced. Little did I know that more drama was to follow….once inside.

We both jumped on the big bed and Tokunbo wasted no time in straddling me. She got on top and kissed my lips before kissing my neck. I was really glad when she moved to my neck because her mouth tasted like she had eaten some garlic earlier. After some more kissing and sucking on my chest, she, whilst still being on top, took off both her shirt and bra and my memory got refreshed on how her small, brown boobies looked.

“Have you missed these?” she asked holding and shaking the soft-looking, swollen moulds of flesh. I nodded in response. Her black nipples looked very sharp and pointed in her palms as they suddenly zoomed into my face.

“Oya! Suck them for me” she said commandingly. I didn’t even get the chance to agree or disagree with her order before she shoved one boob into my mouth. I sucked it and licked the pointed top and was relieved that that didn’t have the same taste as her mouth….lolz. Next came the second boob and I did justice to that as well.

After some good sucking and licking, Tokunbo proceeded to hand-stroke a still half-stiff, half-limp Mr. P. “Baby, your turn. Suck him for me” I told her.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED……YET AGAIN!…………GHEN-GHEN!……STRIKE 3

“Huh? Ah! No o! Ah! I’ve stopped sucking o!” shaking her head in disagreement.

“What tha FUCK! You’ve what???” I couldn’t believe what I just heard.

“I mean I don’t suck again. I can’t put this thing *grabbing Mr. P hard by his cap* in my mouth again. My friend told me that men have many diseases and the thing that comes out of their dicks can transfer their infection into us through our mouths. She warned me to stop sucking.

I almost went into a rage at what this stupid little bitch had just said. Despite my fuming seriously, I decided to try and calm myself down. “So you mean to tell me your friend asked you to stop sucking? But….but…you’ve already sucked me before nau! Did you catch anything after you did???” I asked impatiently.

“Em…no but I’m just afraid. I don’t want to catch anything from any man” she said to me with a straight face, still holding on and softly stroking Mr. P.

By now, I was already in a fit. I felt like registering my palm on the dumb bitch’s cheek but I had to restrain myself. I couldn’t hit a woman….I just couldn’t.

“Honey, I just don’t get you anymore. I thought you had missed me badly. I thought you would please me good and allow us make up for all the lost time. Why are you treati…………but Tokunbo had already guided my semi-hard dick into her already wet vagina. “Ssshhhh…..Ooooh!” she moaned. “Fuck me like you’ve missed me baby.”

She kept on riding me like an ‘Okada’ for a few seconds. I wasn’t feeling her or enjoying the sex like I was supposed to and I decided to switch things up a bit.

“Lemme come on top baby” I requested.

I really didn’t give her sufficient time to accept or reject my request for I suddenly grabbed her by the waist and made a quick manoeuvre to make sure I was now on top. Immediately, I started jabbing and stabbing at her pussy with Mr. P.

“Ohhh! Aarggghhh!” I could tell she was feeling more pain than pleasure. I didn’t fucking care. I mean, that was the whole game plan….to make her feel like a fucking whore now….to make her feel like the fucking slut that she was.

I kept pumping and stabbing and in about 2minutes (far from my regular time) I came. My cum ended up seeming like the type I eject when I jerk-off and I wasn’t in the least surprised.

“Oh! You’ve already come?” the stupid little thing asked.

“Yes! I have. Now GET OUT!” I bellowed.

“What???” Tokunbo asked with shock written all over her face.

“I said GERROUT! This is my worst fuck ever bitch! GERROUT!!!”

Sandalili…..Sandalili……

Hey you! Wuz good witcha? Good huh? Cool! And me?...YOU MEAN ME???..lolz..I’m great…..I’M FUCKING GREAT! WOOOAAAAHHHH!!! Mayne I love stout…without a doubt….lolz. It’s also a fucking great feeling when you drink that and chew on some ‘Moringa’ (my kush substitute) at the same time. YEAH! A fucking awesome feeling it is I tell ya! WORD!!!

Em….er….well….lolz…I’m not so fucking sure I know what to tell ya next. LOLZ…..Why am I here then right? Hehehe….I doubt that I fucking have a good answer to that. Hehehe….WOOAAAHHH! Damn the things that stout does to me! Er…I guess I’ma blame it on the ‘Moringa’ too…..Lolz.

Okay, okay….since you’ve already caught me here, lemme just keep on talking ma nonsense while I’m high. You’re cool with that huh? OH YOU ARE??? *hugs you*…You’re fucking AWESOME! *innocent smile*.

Yeah! I truly hope you’re enjoying your Sunday. Mine has been great so far. Oh! My bad! You already knew that….lolz. Well er…what you didn’t know is that I met another of my kind today. Yep! I’m talking about a real, true #TeamPerv. I kinda stumbled on his handle by accident but I’m so fucking glad I did. His tweets seemed like the regular shit a ‘perv’ would post but his awesomeness shone like a fucking bright light when I checked-out his blog on wordpress.com. I’m afraid I can’t remember the exact address right now (due to my current situation…lolz) but I remember bookmarking his blog sha. I’ve only read one of his stories so far but trust that I’ll read every single post eventually. Every story…every paragraph…every sentence…EVERY WORD! Yep! ‘Cos I’m like that.

Oh yeah! You remember my previous post? I mean the one just before this one. You recall? *shaking my head* You don’t recall huh??? Are you even a fan? Leave me alone joor! Anyway, in that post, I tried to distinguish between a blogger and a writer. Now you see me ehn? Me, I’m a plain-ass blogger. But this fella right thurr? He’s a fucking good example of a writer. Yep! Indeed!

Okay now…enough of him! This blog should be about me and my sex life/perverted thoughts and not about somebody else. Don’t you just agree???

Em….lemme entertain you with a song now. It’s more of a school song really. Those of us who went to private primary schools as kids will surely know it (we know ourselves). For those who attended public primary schools…..sorry o! Make una go query una mama and papa as to “How naa?”….lolz

Yes! This school song I’m talking about is entitled ‘Sandalili’. You know it? It’s the song that encourages kids to know about existing professions and guides them into conceiving dreams and aspirations with regards to making career choices.

Well, the original version of the song kinda goes like this……………..

Sandalili…..Sandalili… (4ce)
I am a Doctor in my country…..DOCTOR!
Everybody knows me well
If you look at me up and down
You will know that it’s true!

And then the song goes on and on just like that till everyone singing it gets tired. The only word that gets frequently changed in the song is the actual profession being mentioned. You name it….from Lawyers to Engineers to Musicians to Bloggers….Ehn! If I hear!....lolz

So then…how would you like to be entertained with my ‘Raw Remix’ of the song??? You very well know by now that I’ve always got a raw remix to every song that catches my fancy. Don’tcha? Of course you do! Here it is then…........

Sandalili……Sandalii….(4ce)
I am a pervert in my country………..PERVERT!
My Twitter buddies know me well
Check my timeline up and down
You will know that it’s true!

Sandalili…..Sandalili…..(4ce)
I am a fucker in my country…….FUCKER!
All ma bitches know me well
If you fuck me just one round
You will know that it’s true!

Sandalili….Sandalili…..(4ce)
I am a lickman in my country……LICKMAN!
All ma bitches know me well
Once I lick your cunt and arse
You wil know that it’s true!


Hehehe…..Now this is the kinda shit that alcohol and kush’s finest substitute does to you…..Lolz

Bye-bye !!! *smile*

Yo’ Slit Stank Like Fish Bitch!

*Singing*….All I do is win win WIN, no matter what
Now get on your knees bitch, I’ma need you to suck
And everytime I step up in da building, I wanna see ma COCK GO UP!
And your face down!….AND YOUR LIPS DOWN!...AND YOUR TONGUE DOWN!!
UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN!
‘Cos all I do is WIN…WIN…WIN !!!
So if you ain’t gon’ be sucking this dick good, I suggest you GERROUT !!!

Lolz….Wasup you? I’m not well sebi? Lolz…I know o! I’m sure you already know that’s my ‘Raw Remix’ of DJ Khaled’s - All I Do Is Win. I’m dedicating those lyrics up there (sang by T-Pain) to ma haters. Yes o! My BLOODY HATERS who keep hating on That Bloody Pervert and who refuse to understand that there is a BIG DISTINCTION between both identities of a WRITER and a BLOGGER.

For the record, I’ve never EVER likened nor described my highly perverted self as a writer. Why would I be so dumb to compare my neophyte and fledgling self to well-established veteran folks??? ….*sigh* Incase you didn’t fucking know, I possess a good background in Mass communication and I truly respect Writing as a professional field. All I do here (if you’re the ignorant type) is simply pour out my sick, sexual thoughts on this small piece of the humongous blogosphere, just the way I like. I do not and WILL NOT obey the rules of good/proper/formal writing because I need to express myself in the best fucking way that I can. Still yet, I will not insult Writing as an art. GBAM !!!

Anyway, anyway, this post is not entirely dedicated to them haters you know? OH NO! You know I’ve always got better and more interesting things to say here, right??? Lolz…………

Now….a quick question for ya. Do you believe pussies can smell real bad? I mean.. like fill up a room with some thick, sharp stench that choke you and make you wanna puke? You do huh? Well, I guess you’ve probably encountered one or you probably own one…..HAHA!!!

Truth be told though, I never used to believe that pussies could stink. I had always believed rather, that just like dicks, they only carried a scent. You know? The exact kind of scent you get when you dip one hand into your boxers to rub/scratch your balls and take a good whiff of it. Ya feel me? Yeah!

Infact, I swear my whole crew back in the university can remember how I always argued for and defended vaginas; protecting both their ego and image till my very last utterance. Not any more though ‘cos some bitch came and fucked it all up. I swear!

This bitch huh? This bitch whom I met through my younger brother amazed me. She fucking stunned me when I tried to go ‘Perverted Mode’ on her skinny ass and I had to switch modes back and understand indeed that pussies can truly smell the fuck AWFUL. As a matter of fact, now that I remember how I used to argue so much back in school, I’M TRULY SORRY GUYS! I’m eating my words back right now and I’m not ashamed to finally admit that you guys were indeed right.

In any case, I’m so glad that ever since this ‘Karamotu geh’ incident, I’ve never been unfortunate ever again to come across another stinking pussy. Oh yeah! I think we can call this bitch ‘Stinky Puss’ right? Cool huh? SWEET !!! Lolz………….

So,… as the story goes, I met Stinky Puss one day like that through my brother’s girlfriend. “My chick will be visiting today and since dad won’t be home this weekend, she’ll be spending the night.” My bro said to me amidst a grin. I couldn’t help but envy him ‘cos I had just recently parted ways with my hoe-ish girlfriend at the time. His words couldn’t help but make me want to screw someone that night so badly so I said to him “Mayne, na you be boss o! Na only you wan enjoy this weekend abi? Make she carry one of her fine friends come nau, so that equation go balance?” flashing him my most sarcastic smile.

“Ehen? So you want some company for the night ehn? Well, I dunno if she has naughty friends but I’ll ask her if that would be possible.”

“Correct bro! You get mouth! Oya take my phone make you no too burn your credit naa.” I said next, handing out my Sony Ericsson Xperia 10i to encourage him.

“Hahahaha!!! Egbon, na wa o! This is serious o! You sha want to ‘put it’ for somebody tonight. Don’t bother sha, I’ve got enough airtime here.” He responded waving and flaunting his own Blackberry Bold 6.

“Eid-okay o! No P!” I said before giggling. My bro left me for a while and then came back later with some good news. “Mehn, I can’t believe your luck o! My chick said one of her roommates is more than willing to tag along and come over.”

“Bro…best believe it’s not luck. Don’t you know those RUN girls are always horny as fuck in school? What do you expect of chicks who are not allowed to hold hands with boys let alone fuck them? Of course somebody had to be game. Infact I recommend you prepare well for tonight yo!. Your girl would have been soooo sex starved by now”. My bro just laughed hard and left me again, shaking his head this time though. I bet he must have been thinking “Dis my brother sef ehn??? CHAI!!!”.

Six hours later, our guests arrived….my bro’s chick and her companion. When I saw this bitch, my first thought was “Wow!”. I mean, Stinky Puss was fine as fuck with her cream fair skin and long foreign hair. She flashed some white teeth at me as she said her “Hi” and I concluded she was prettier than my brother’s smoking-hot girlfriend of one and a half years.

Stinky Puss also proved to have a good sense of humour as unnecessary formal introductions were made, by her school buddy anyway. “Em…This is my boyfriend’s older brother she informed her friend while pointing at me and whilst I rubbed my palms together in earnest at the juicy package standing in front of me and waiting to be devoured.

“Oh! So this is the kind gentleman who’ll be helping me release some of the academic tension suffered in school shey?” she said facing me now with her enchanting smile. “Sweet! You’re handsome too. My name is Karamot…*extending a well-toned hand for a shake*…..Nice to meet you”. She concluded that statement with a killer-smile and I felt Mr. P suddenly come alive.

“Oh that’s such a lovely name!” I said back, even though I didn’t really like her name.....lolz. “You’re pretty too and em…well, I’ll definitely be relieving you of some good tension…if you’ll be a good school girl that is….” I added with a sheepish grin that clearly sent the message of lust.

“Oh I’m always a good school girl. I get even more obedient when tipsy, ya know?”

“Ooooh!” I moaned like a bitch. “Is that so?? SWEET! LET’S GO DRINKING THEN!! DRINKS ON ME!!!” I bellowed as I showed-off a little.

I sensed my brother wanted to resist my offer but seeing the willingness in his girlfriend’s eyes and realising it was already 6:35pm, he obliged. Off then we went in dad’s Kia Sorento blasting Swizz Beatz’ and Diddy Dirty Money’s – Ass on the Floor.

At El-Devino’s we all had a great time with alcohol and grilled fish. My bro and I had our usual stout while them gurls drank Smirnoff Ice. During our time there, we also shared a fairly long chit-chat on school life in RUN which included friendly scoffs and jeers.

Hmmnn……GHEN-GHEN! We left the pub and arrived home at about 9:30pm and because my brother was just as wasted as his woman, they both declined in spending some time with us in the living room. He just whisked the poor thing away to his room for what I assumed was an opportunity to ‘put his stout to work’. Just as soon as he had carried her away from our sight and after we had thrown some good jibes at them, I looked Stinky Puss stiff in the eyes and asked her “So….how about we go in and do something about that tension of yours?”. She chuckled hard on the couch, threw one arm across my neck and exclaimed “Yay! It’s about time we did that, isn’t it?”. “Yeah” came my reply and I imitated my bro by picking her up and carrying her away in my arms while asking God to bless the white man who discovered alcohol…..lolz

Once inside my room, Stinky Puss turned into a freak. No sooner had I turned on some music to spice up the impending fuckery than she transformed into something else. I mean, I’ve always known that music could enliven the soul but trust me, with Stinky Puss, it wasn’t just music….alcohol had far taken its toll in her system.

The jam blasting at the time was DMX’s ‘Get it on da floor’ and immediately it came on, Stinky Puss started hopping and bopping her head to the song’s heavy beat. She even went crazy and started pretending to be DMX to begin spitting……………

We don’t give a what! What!
We don’t give a what! What!
Get it on the floor..BITCH!...Get it on the floor……C’MON!!!
Get it on the floor…WHAT…Get it on the floor!

Whilst she rapped, Stinky Puss also did the ‘Crip Walk’. Though I was amused watching her throw her legs about in a funny and uncoordinated manner, I knew she would have done better if she had been sober. Still though, I thought she was sexy doing whatever crazy dance moves that she was doing. As soon as the jam got to the part where Swizz Beatz began spitting his own bars, Stinky Puss transformed again, into a seductress this time around. She made for me, tugging hard at my T.shirt and began spitting again………….

Don’t start nothing…there’s gon’ be nothing
Don’t start nothing…there’s gon’ be nothing
You wanna start something?....There’s gon’ be something
You wanna start something?....There’s gon’ be something

Following the anticipated scream that came right after these bars, Stinky Puss, in a flash, pressed her soft lips hard against mine for a few seconds before violently pushing me onto the bed. She grinned while I savoured the funky taste of stale alcohol and saliva from her mouth and started getting naked. She took off each clothing item on her very sexy-looking and curvaceous body slowly and seductively and I simply laid there…on the bed….watching and waiting WITH MR. PENISCILLIN ALREADY ROCK HARD AND READY TO GO but savouring every moment while remaining anxious and eager to catch a glimpse of her bare moist pussy and do wonderful things to it.

But alas! Stinky Puss ‘fell’ ma hand. As in, she disappointed me BIG TIME! I really can’t say I’m sure what went wrong with her ‘cos for such a great and pleasant body, I never expected what came next.

The exact moment that Stinky Puss took the very last detail; her panty; off, something awkward…something which I had never ever experienced, not even for once in my entire adult and sexually-active life, happened.

It was like someone from nowhere just snuck-in and dumped a week-old sack of dead fish and left it there for us to suffer. I mean, the whole room was filled with a fucking hard-core stench mayne! A stench that could even be likened to that of a dead rat….okay no! Lemme just stick with dead fish…*straight face*

DAMN! This bitch was stinking mayne! One could never have expected that from a babe who looked so clean and fresh…with soft, fresh and fair skin and with long foreign hair. I mean, one couldn’t have seen a bad, cheap and stinky smell ever coming from a sophisticated, hot and expensive-looking hottie.

Stinky Puss caught me squeezing my face into a frown as I fought hard not to cover my nose and cause her some embarrassment.

“I’m smelling shey???” those were her exact words, I swear!

“So you know?” came my response while raising an eyebrow of suspicion.

“Yeah..*covering her own nose now*…shit gets like this sometimes. I think it’s the toilet infection from school again. You can still have me though. You have a condom right? We can still fuck. You game?

WHAT THA FUCK!!! rang out loud in my head immediately. Was this bitch still requesting sex when her pussy stank so bad??? How could I ever manage to squeeze my dick, which was already limp by now, into her smelly vagina. I wasn’t sure how best to respond to her question but the next old skool jam by Evelyn Champagne King which boomed from my deck’s speakers helped-out a great deal. As soon as the song came on, I quickly twisted the chorus and sang Stinky Puss my ‘Raw Remix’…………….

Gurl you’ve made my lust come down
Oooh you’ve made my cock come down
You’ve made it go all the way dooowwwnnnnnnn
Oooh you’ve made my cock…..COME DOWN !!!

Need I conclude this story??? I bet as fuck that you can do that all by yourself using your imagination…..lolz…..

PEACE !!!

She Ready To Suck Me Now ???

(I must confess that this post in its entirety was inspired by DMX. Oh how I can lick a cunt for that nigga !!!....Lolz…..)

And now she wants me back! Funny how life is you know? Funny how someone…especially a dumb hoe can choose to take your niceness for a weakness. So fucking funny it is how a bitch can choose to be selfish instead of selfless and do all it takes to please her man. Shiiiidddd! I fucking didn’t want it all though…I only fucking wanted THAT ONE THING….that one special thing that makes a nigga’s head spark in exciting ecstasy and makes him feel like a true hommie.

Okay, now I’m talking about my Ex. It’s been barely four months since I left her sorry ass and now she’s here… in my room, hugging my legs and begging me to take her back. She’s fucking shedding tears right now and getting my floor all wet while promising to change and treat me right but I ain’t sure I know what to fucking do about her case.

You see, this shawty once proved herself to be a stupid and selfish bitch for a long time till I could take it no more. She would rather receive than give and you know that shit is so messed up. I mean, how can anyone be fucking comfortable with receiving joy and not offering it in return? Don’t that fool got a fucking conscience??? SMH

Throughout the three months that we dated, Ex-Shawty was always on the receiving end. Now I ain’t talking about punches o! Nigga/Bitch PLEEASSEE!!! I’m a lover not a fighter. I’m talking about head. As in nodding…fellatio….blowjob…shaft-sucking ‘n shit. You get shey? HAHA!!!

Anyway, like I was saying, while this bitch and I dated, I was the one always pleasing her….I was the one who was always giving her clitoris a good bath with my tongue…I was the one always licking and flicking on her tight, wet and juicy pussy until it squirted out a guzzle of cum and I was always the one doing that Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat shit. You know what I mean right? Of course you don’t! How could you anyway? You ain’t a ‘Clit Specialist’ like me nau! Well, by Liu Kang shit I mean I used to spread my bitch’s legs wide on the bed, hold down ‘Block’ and ‘A’ while moving backwards for 5 seconds and then release. Mayne! Best believe that’s some nasty, sexy shit. Any guy who can give that to a gurl will definitely make her heart melt and make her love him till she expires upon the face of the earth.

Now, I know you’re wondering “If I’m that good, why didn’t her heart melt then?”. Well, all I can say is, I guess that bitch’s heart was fucking made of granite. Oh yeah! That bitch was selfish as fuck. She always enjoyed me giving her cunnilingus but she NEVER, EVER was willing to go down on me for some good fellatio…….FUCKING BITCH!!!

You know, now that I think about it, while she’s still here begging my proud ass, I feel even more pained. How the bloody hell can a guy suck a bitch’s cunt for three whole fucking damn months without getting his dick sucked, not even once???? DAMN! That should fucking replace the old meaning of selfishness….WORD!!!

It certainly is painful knowing that I never failed to satisfy her sexually. Besides the great cock fucking, there was always some awesome sucking and my bitch loved every moment of it (while it fucking lasted though…hehehe…). I always made sure I teased and pleased her vagina, not just with my tongue but my whole mouth. Still, it’s quite unfortunate that the bitch refused to return the favour and make me happy. I mean, to even portray how fucking and miserably selfish she was, she regularly got me novel stuff to try out in sucking her pussy and I never for once raised an eyebrow. I used all sorts of shit on her cunt….Ice-cream, honey, KY-Jelly, stout and Nutella (My favourite is ice-cream though) but never got my dick sucked in return….smh. All I kept getting from her was “Ohhhh! No nau! I’m not yet ready to put that thing in my mouth. Soon okay?”. Worse still, whenever I insisted, this bitch would just break down in tears, crying out “Why can’t you just understand? You truly don’t love me!” and have me pity her enough to pacify her with some more ‘tonguing’. Choi!....such a fool I’ve been!

I guess then……when she said those stupid things, my brain wasn’t booting properly…else I would have screamed at her soon enough “Stupid bitch! So my prick is now a ‘thing’ ehn? You can’t put it in your mouth yet but you can easily spread your stupid legs and allow me suck that smelly place where blood leaks from shey??? FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!!!”

Mayne! Even though these words didn’t come until after three frustrating months of discouraging sex, I’m glad I finally spat them out and ditched her filthy ass. I mean, see now…..she’s now here begging me to fucking take her back.

Now, while I’m fucking contemplating, my mind tells me ‘DMX raw mode ACTIVATED’ and I suddenly got a poem for this hoe. Here it goes……………………….

Bitch you left me stranded and I don’t know why
Told you to suck ma cock but you started to cry
CRY??? I’m shocked you bloody hoe that you’re shedding tears
You told me you would come through soon…and it’s been years
All through the time we dated, I knew something was missing
All you ever wanted from me, BITCH!, is cunt licking
I thought that I was special…bitch that’s what you told me….Now suck me!....See..you fucking acting like you don’t know me
When I say something bad…it’s always “Baby, please suck me”
I’m fed up bitch…now PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Yeah! She’s fucking got the message now. She’s refusing to leave though. “Debola, I’m so sorry. Please take me back. I’ll change.” she says. Damn! Should I believe this bitch??? Okay then..*unzipping my fly and taking out my limp cock*….you’ll change huh? PROVE IT BITCH !!!

(I wanna seize this opportunity to thank @tweetoracle , @lamzi1 , @kozlatosh , @uju_cohen81 , @Stypella , @shesAll_Smiles , @itweet_WORD and @unfadedcrown plus many awesome others for their love and support. NoHomo to the fellaz o!....Lolz)

Do watch out for another DMX- inspired post real soon. God Bless…..Nothing Less…..

My Azonto Geh.

DAMN!!!......................................

The way she grinding on this place, NA HOE!
The way she winding up her waist, NA HOE!
The way she bumping off her chest, NA HOE!
(Drum rolls in quick succession)
Damn!......I’M CATCHING COLD O!
I’M CATCHING COLD O!.....YEHI!!......CHEI!!!

Lolz…..Sup you? Don’t mind me o! The lyrics above are from my ‘Raw Remix’ of Tunde Ednut’s – ‘Catching Cold’ feat. Dr. Sid. You know that jam right? Well, I don’t just know it…I FRIGGIN LOVE IT!

As to why I’m singing it up on here? Well, I gotta tell you that I’m at a party right now and shit is definitely going down. I mean, the gig is off-da-chain and I’m having some madt fun here. I’m already on my 3rd bottle of stout but trust me, that’s not the best part. The best part is……..wait for it…….the best part actually is I’M RIGHT NOW, DANCING WITH A HOT SLUT WHO’S THROWING EVERYTHANG SHE GOT AT ME!!! HULL YEAH MAYNE! You know what I be talking about right???

Anyway, this thick chick is seriously grinding up on me, right here and right now to Ednut’s jam. She’s seriously backing it up and rubbing her fat ass against my throbbing crotch that is already threatening to tear my pants open and SEIZE HER from under. I don’t blame her though. If I had guzzled as much ‘Black Label’ as she had, bad gurl or not, I would probably be doing the same thing to any bloke in my vicinity. I know this bitch is tipsy as fuck but mehn!.....I ain’t fucking care! I just gotta bask in the fun I’m having right now and savour the pleasure from her ‘big back treasure’……lolz

Oh my gosh! I can’t fucking believe it! The DJ has just made my fucking night now. He’s given me the opportunity to show-off my new ‘Azonto’ dance moves. Oh yeah! He’s switched the jam to Wizkid’s ‘Azonto Freestyle’ and I’ve so been practising them moves and waiting for an opportunity to put my dance lessons to the test. I’ve got my chance now anyway and HOLD UP!......Fuck!.....You won’t believe it!.....My hawt bad bitch has suddenly turned to face me and….and… IS DOING THA FUCKING AZONTO MOVES TOO!!! Gosh! I feel so fucking challenged now. I gotta show this bitch what I got. Okay now!....LEGGO!!!

Oya…..Komole!
Gbe soke!
Aaaaaaaahhhh……..Komole!
Gbe soke!

Aaaaaaaahhhhh………Omoge ja soro……come talk to a real ‘G’ (right??? Me nor too sure o! ….Lolz…)

Anyway, Since I can’t continue singing them lyrics due to some ignorance on my part, I decide to improvise while showing-off some awesome moves. My sexy dance partner who is obviously now feeling me even more tries to imitate and move with me in harmony. I’m so loving this and my filthy brain suddenly switches to ‘Cocky Mode’. It’s got me twisting Wizzy’s lyrics to the hearing of my hawt, slutty dance partner.

Oya…..Komole!
Gbe soke!
Aaaaaaaahhhh……..Komole!
Gbe soke!

Waaaaaaa……….Omoge ja soro…..Me wanna log into your pussy!

Oh shit!!!! To my fucking surprise, hawt sexy bitch moves even closer and whispers into my left ear………..

Boy…I hope you can download fast?…………..'Cos ma pussy’s on 3G!

OH SHIT! DAYYUUMMM!!! So this bitch ‘ja’ sef. I nor know say she ‘soji’ die o! Choi!!!. Upon hearing this, my brain does a flip and I go haywire with excitement……

Ah!...Omoge toh bad o!...Sexy lady toh bad….On this my prick you go dance azonto!!!

For real! On this my cock you must dance azonto!
As in….On this my cock, you go do like “Ooooooh!”
On this my cock, e go be like say you turn mumu
On this my cock, e go be like say you don dey mad o!
On this my cock, e go be like say you don dey craze o!
Oya dance for me azonto!
Aaaahhhh!.....ON THIS MY PRICK YOU MUST DANCE AZONTO!!!

Hawt, sexy, bad bitch is now giggling at my singing. She’s also responded by throwing her arms around my neck and I sure as hell can’t wait for what is to come.

MAYNE I’M GLAD I CAME TO THIS PARTY!!!

Tell Yo’ Cunt That I’m Coming Home.

Wasup you? Hiyu been? Great I hope. You bet I’m fly as ever. You know, I received a phone call yesterday and it got me seriously missing the little time that I spent in Lagos. I really do wish I could just speed up this academic program of mine and move on to greater things. You know?….like becoming a celebrity blogger and all...(Now don’t you dare mock me in laughter ‘cos dreams do fucking come true).

Anyway, as I was saying, I received a phone call from one Tokunbo girl like that. She’s a hot chick indeed and she’s also a student of Unilag. She works part time too though, hustling on the streets of Ikeja at night time……lolz. Truth though is, I don’t really give a fuck about that. All I know is that she is one good hell of a fuck.

We met in a club actually. She came with a couple of her girlfriends to have a girls’ night of fun but as fate would have it, there ended up being some masculine intrusion. As soon as she and her crew trooped in, she sighted my male companion aka homeboy and dashed towards him. He quickly got up to receive her hug when she was close enough and I heard her yell “Oh my! Now who ever imagined I‘d run into you here???”. I later got to understand that they had first met during a ‘Business Transaction’ at her school. Now don’t go asking me what that transaction was all about. It’s none of my business and certainly none of yours as well…..*straight face*

After hugs were exchanged, Tokunbo introduced her girlfriends to both of us while my hommie introduced me in return. Though all four ladies joined our table, Tokunbo confessed she and her buddies really didn’t plan on entertaining any male company that night, saying it was meant to be a strict girls’ night-out for them. However, they also didn’t expect to have a member of their crew run into an old acquaintance and I quickly summed that up as one of life’s many surprises/complications.

I’m so glad my buddy and I went to the club well prepared that night because damn!.....we spent more money on these bunch of hoes than we did on ourselves. You know women nau? Na ‘oshofree’ dey always worry dem. They ordered expensive liquor, the most expensive bong and some packs of cigarettes, which they smoked like chimneys. I fought hard within myself not to be irritated and a lifeline later came to cheer me up when my pal drew closer, nudged me and whispered into my ear “O boy! Today seems to be your lucky day o! Tokunbo just pinged me that you’re cute” he chuckled as he finished saying that and nudged me again.

“Really?” I asked. I then tried to gaze at her to find out if she actually did catch my fancy but just when I made that decision of mine, my eyes started playing tricks on me. I then realised I had had more than enough stout to drink and I gave up trying to take-in Tokunbo’s bodily features. “Er..okay. she’s alright” I finished telling him, knowing fully well that I had no idea what I was talking about.

It wasn’t until we all got up to swing and sway to the melodious tunes from the disc jockey that I confirmed Tokunbo truly did admire me. As soon as we hit the dance floor, she achieved some initial formality by dancing first with my hommie to a single track before, like BAM! She was in front of me; throwing all that her momma gave her at my poor helpless self. My buddy didn’t seem to mind losing her on the dance floor though. He occupied himself with one of Tokunbo’s girlfriends and I caught him from time to time, pressing and squeezing on her own booty.

At about 3am, I was fucking exhausted. So was my friend who asked me “Dude, I’m fed up with this place mayne! Can’t dance no more” to which I nodded and replied “Me too dawg!”. Tokunbo seemed to agree with us but that was then my buddy and I realised 2 of her friends had suddenly gone AWOL on our asses. Damn! It must have been during the time that we got jiggy on the dance floor. Tokunbo didn’t seem to be in the least bothered though. “Don’t worry guys, ma gurls can easily fend for themselves. I’m sure they left for the next club on the other street or something” she dropped casually and without any iota of panic.

Well, we didn’t choose to argue with her because we very well knew she knew her friends better than we did. We therefore decided to split and left the club for my pal’s crib; Tokunbo’s arm in mine and her companion’s in my buddy’s, but not before settling our ‘gbese’ (bill) though.

Not more than 20 minutes did we spend on our trip because the road was fucking free at that time of the day. Because we were all so drunk as fuck, we wasted no time in picking rooms once home and inside. We didn’t even bid one another good night or anything. Like I said……we were fucking wasted.

Tokunbo pounced on the bed just when we got into the room and I followed suit, only that rather than jump on the bed, I jumped on her. She burst out in laughter when I landed on her huge boobs and rubbed the back of my neck. I took that as a ‘better-do-what-you-gotta-do-before-I-fucking-pass-out-on-yo-ass’ sign and made for her own neck. I kissed, licked and nibbled on that soft piece of flesh below her face a little and then moved my lips upwards unto hers. Chai! The regret I felt just then when she parted her own lips open. Her mouth reeked off stale tobacco and that almost tempted me to throw up. I swallowed hard though and only kissed her for about 6 seconds before I immediately went back to her neck while slipping a hand inside her blouse to caress her protruding boobies.

“Oooh!” Tokunbo moaned and I was convinced my ‘handsmanship’ was satisfactory. I decided to take her pleasure up a notch and moved my lips to her bosom while gently pulling down her top a little just below her neckline for me to behold a red bra concealing two nodes of hard black nipples. Pulling down the bra as well, I attacked both her nipples and the firm, fresh flesh surrounding them with my mouth. Tokunbo kept on moaning lightly for a while before tilting her head upwards to tongue-tease my left ear in appreciation. Shit felt really good so I decided to give her a treat and further increase her ecstasy. While I sucked on her boobies, I slipped my hand into her pant and felt some encouraging wetness. Tokunbo then gasped in pure pleasure as I made two of my fingers steadily go in and out of her already soaked pussy.

After a brief while, she could no longer control herself and in a flash, got up to fully undress and reveal a body carrying very sexy curves. I got up as well but only ended up revealing 6 inches of hard dick…..Lolz. Tokunbo gave an evil smile as she saw Mr. P and signalled me to come to her. She pushed me hard onto the bed right after and mounted me, using her left hand to ease me gently inside her. Her sweet-ass vagina ended up lubricating and creaming my stick of pleasure as she jerked and bounced on me mouthing-off “Oooh!...Yessss!…Gosh!…..This dick is sweet!….Oh I love your dick!….Ooooh!…..Aaaaaah!.

We both came hard after a few minutes and Tokunbo cuddled against me and kissed my forehead before we both passed-out. Even though she left early with her friend the following morning, she came back visiting three more good times for some more awesome fuckery.

Now about the phone-call ehn? You see, after those four memorable times that I fucked Tokunbo’s tight-ass and sweet-ass pussy, school came calling and I had to return to I.B City. Since I’ve been in school, Tokunbo and I have exchanged phone-calls many times and she never fails to remind me of how much she misses me. I once told her to come visiting but she says her mum won’t let her leave Lagos. I simply had to tell her we would just have to wait till I journeyed down there again.

It was only yesterday that she called me to intimate me of her birthday. She told me her birthday comes up tomorrow and her perfect gift from me would be to show up at her party and treat her to some birthday sex. When I apologised that I just couldn’t make it over, she broke into a song; a raw remix of Total’s ‘Sitting Home Waiting’……………………………..

I’ve been sitting home waiting for you
Staring at this cunt is all I do
I try my best to be good to you
But you’re never around when I’m in the mood.

I was like “Oh gosh! I’m so sorry baby! Do try and understand. I’ll be home soon. You know Sallah is around the corner huh?”. Tokunbo however didn’t want to accept that response o! She started becoming difficult on the phone saying “Ohhhh nau! Joor nau! Don’t you know this cunt has missed you so much? What do you expect me to do with my cunt nau???” I knew just then that I had to reply with my own raw remix of ‘Coming Home’ by Diddy’s Dirty Money……………………..

I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell yo’ cunt that I’m coming home
Soon I’ll let my cane wash away, all your konji of yesterday
I know it’s plain hard to wait
But please forgive all my mistakes
See I’m coming home
I’m coming home
SO TELL YO’ CUNT THAT I’M COMING…….HOME!!!