A Song for Miss Valentine (No Kidding!)

Hullo friieeeeenndd....What's up? I'm so glad that you could join me here again. Are you equally glad that I'm back? You are huh? Yay!!! (Dancing Azonto). But friend, wait o! How come you haven't left a comment for me nau? Ehn? Not a SINGLE one! Chai! Padi, you no try o!

Anyway, without further ado, I will go down to the nitty-gritty...the crux of the matter...the story you deserve and tell you exactly what happened the following day, after I was contracted to sing a love song for our unknown female student aka 'Miss Unknown' aka 'Miss Valentine’ in school.

Yes! You see, my brain, being on 'Naughty Mode' at the time, started feeding my consciousness with various love songs....songs that it could twist to achieve my selfish pleasure. It was like my brain was just scattering music files from the library ‘Upstairs’, which I had set up there during the months I spent listening to music while waiting to start a boarding life. Eventually, a consensus was reached between my morally sick ‘Medulla oblongata’ and my highly perverted consciousness on a song. It was then that my sick ‘Medulla’ moved on to task two – LYRIC TWISTING!

I’m sure you’re eager to know the song I chose and planned on singing to ‘Miss Valentine’ aka ‘Miss Unknown’ right? Well, I chose……….GO JOOR! If I hear say I tell you! Can’t I just put you in suspense for a little while ehn? You too dey rush o! Abeg relax joor! Lolz……

So, as I was saying, I spent the whole evening that followed on my bed…sitting on it and romancing a sheet of paper with a pen. You know what that means right? Yep! You guessed it! I was writing the lyrics to the song I would eventually be performing. I had no disturbance whatsoever because my senior tough and influential friends, who of course were also my clients, had persuaded the house captain (Student head of the dormitory) to allow me stay back in the hostel while others went for both ‘Prep’ and ‘Games’.

Do pardon me for choosing to digress a bit now, but come to think of it….It kind of bothers me that till I left that school, I never quite understood the meaning of the ‘Prep’ word. ‘Games’ was easy of course because I often witnessed what went on at the school’s sports field. Honestly though, that ‘Prep’ of a word, used to describe the act of students being compelled to go to class and read their books never really made much sense to me. Was ‘Prep’ a short form of ‘Preparatory’ or ‘Preparation’??? Till now, I just don’t know. However, I’m guessing it stands for either and if yes, then why that word? Preparing for what exactly? Exams??? Wo!...Make we leave that matter jare! Unless of course if you went to a boarding school, know what it means and wanna tell me……..I’d appreciate that!

Now, back to the issue! Er…where did I stop o??? Abeg wait make I scroll up small. Ah! Yes! Romancing paper with pen during ‘Prep’ and ‘Games’ it is. So, it took me about 30 minutes to write out my lyrics and fine-tune them to my taste. After I had done that, I threw both pen and neatly folded sheet of paper into my wooden locker and locked it. Next thing I did was to observe a personal siesta….*Wink*

After a tasteless dinner of beans and garri at the dining hall, I went for night ‘Prep’. I didn’t really want to go but the house captain begged my ‘Bodyguards’ not to spoil me too much, being that I was only a first-year student. My ‘men’ noticed that I wasn’t very pleased with their yielding to the captain’s request and so they made up for their disappointment with a yummy surprise – At about 12 midnight, ‘Fireman’…remember him? Okay! ‘Fireman’ woke me up with some concoction jollof rice that drew much steam from a bucket….I bet you’re wondering now…In a bucket??? Yes o! In a BUCKET. ‘Fireman’ gave it to me and simply said (after I opened my eyes) “Guy, take ‘OJUKUTU’. And wash the bucket well for morning, you hear?”. I nodded in response.

Mayne, I won’t lie o! That ‘Ojukutu’ made plenty sense. As in…it totally made up for the awful beans and garri crap that I had earlier. I devoured it quickly and went back to sleep, although not before giving some of the delicacy out to two of my classmates who apparently were awakened by ‘Fireman’s calling out my name in the very silent room and at that time of the night. I bet they couldn’t just resist the tempting smell of what was handed to me and had no choice but to beg. You can call them ‘Munters’ or ‘Munteros’. That’s what people who begged for food were called in my school anyway.

I woke up early the next morning and washed the ‘Ojukutu’ metallic bucket well, like I was asked to and kept it safe in my locker. After a morning ritual, I was off to my classroom for the day’s classes.

Mayne, you really should have been there with me to see how crazy my school was that very day. I never imagined Valentine’s day would be such a big deal but apparently, everyone…except me of course, was thrilled and thrown into a frenzy. Throughout the learning period, shouts, screams and laughter of excitement could be heard from the girls (especially in the senior class) over the gifts received from ‘Toasters’ or actual boyfriends. I recall spying on a female or two screaming alongside their buddies while holding up a new bra or panty with glee and saying out loud “See what he gave me….isn’t he just sweet? Oh, he’s so going to get kisses tonight!”

Now, please don’t ask me o! I did not have a val. Infact, till I left that school, I never had a val. I was a bloody pervert and was only interested in ‘Sharp-sharp tins’ not a lovey-dovey relationship. You kuku now what I mean shey?

Anyway, night time eventually came and dinner was splendid. We were served rice with fried fish. I guess the cooks decided to ‘val’ all of us because the food was really sumptuous. After clearing my plate 15 minutes after the bell was rung to signal to all that it was time to leave the hall and go back to their hostels since there was no night prep, I proceeded to the back of the dining hall where I found ‘Motherfucker’ chatting and laughing away with a companion. Upon setting eyes on me, he quickly cut short his talk, rushed towards me and grabbed my arm saying “Where the hell have you been man? I’ve been waiting for you to help me seal this deal you know? I already gave her a perfume and your singing is surely gonna get me some sweet loving tonight!” A strong, foul odour attacked me while he spoke and giggled and I suspected he had taken more alcohol than his tummy could manage. I couldn’t actually blame him though for it was afterall, Valentine’s day, and I replied “So sorry bro. Didn’t finish my food on time.” as he pulled me towards the spot where ‘Miss Valentine’ stood.

Now, I must confess that I wasn’t really impressed by ‘Miss Valentine’s appearance. Though she was quite trim and busty for an SSS2 chick, she didn’t have a protruding backside. Ooooh! Forget grammar joor! I mean, she didn’t have YANSH…..AT ALL - AT ALL!!!! Her bumbum was flatter than the surface of the dining table I ate on earlier….SERIOUSLY! No kidding. Me, I like yansh o! It’s better you know now. Gbam!

So, as I was saying, ‘Miss Valentine’ was bereft of an appealing derriere. What worsened her case was that she didn’t have straight legs or even a flat tummy either. Jeez! Can you imagine what a slim chick with a big tummy would look like? It was as if her arse and tummy swore an oath to permanently exchange positions. Her nose too was also so pointed, it could pass for a tiny dick. Anyway, make I no yab the girl finish sha. But then again o, this chick had so much hair on her arms, I began to wonder if she had a forest ‘down there’… ‘down-south’ I mean. But I won’t lie sha, her face (besides the nose o!) was averagely pretty and I was sure ‘Motherfucker’ picked her because she was an easy lay.

“Hi.” ‘Miss Valentine’ said to me when I was close enough and I instantly perceived the same terrible stench from her breath. “Hi. Good evening and happy Valentine’s day” came my reply accompanied by a smile. She smiled back and nudged her man saying “Gosh! He’s cute o!” not realising that my smile meant “Oh! You’re also tipsy right? Good! You are so going to chop prick today!”

‘Motherfucker’ who quickly realised his ‘lay’ had begun tripping for a fine boy quickly interrupted our acquaintanceship. “Em…baby, I have another present for you. My little friend here is going to sing you a song that speaks for my heart”. He winked at me as he said so and I winked back. However, my wink had a different meaning entirely but he never got to know that till he passed out from the school.

“Oh goody-goody! A song? And for me?” ‘Miss Valentine was showing off some yellow teeth now while rubbing her palms together and that gave me two quick thoughts – “Was Fireman faring any better tonight? And was this bitch here going to leave yellow bite marks on my pal’s cock? Hmmn….”

“Em..yes actually” I responded. “I am here to sing you a song to let you know HOW HE (Pointing at Motherfucker now) FEELS ABOUT YOU. Do you by any chance know Bob Marley and Lauryn Hill? I asked.

“Wait o! Wait o!...Don’t tell me you want to sing ‘Turn your lights down low’ for me?” She asked excitedly and in my head, I was like “Damn! This bitch good!”

“Yep! That’s what I intend singing and I’m glad you know it” I said with that mischievous smile of mine.

“Glad I know it? GLAD THAT I ACTUALLY KNOW IT when…when ….when I actually LOVE THAT SONG!” with this, she rushed at ‘Motherfucker’ to plant a slow and wet kiss on his lips. This made hot blood rush towards the lower part of my body to once again wake up – ‘Mr. Peniscillin’

‘Motherfucker’ by now, was very pleased. Although I was sure he didn’t know the song, I was happy that he was happy with me. It only meant one thing – More ‘Ojukutu’ was sure to come.

“Okay then, I’m glad you know it. May I begin to entertain you?” I asked eagerly?

“Oh yes pleeeaase!” she responded and took ‘Motherfucker’s arm in hers. I took a quick look at him and he nodded in confirmation with a smile. I then began………..

Turn your lights down low
Never, ever try to resist..Oh no!
Now let your boobs come sliding in
Into my hands again
Then you say “Ooh!..It’s been a long, long time
And I wanna suck and screw you boy!
I’ve been thinking you’ll be never on time
But now I’m gonna lick and fuck you boy
You’re on time….on tiiiimmmmeeeeeee”

So I say “Ooh! I wanna give you some cock…I wanna give (3x in quick succession)
I wanna give you some good good poking
Oh-ah! Oh-ah! Oh-ah ah ah AH!
I want to give you some good good fucking!

Now, a lot of things happened during and after my rendition but let me just give you a quick summary because I’m sooo tired of typing for now. Well, ‘Miss Valentine’ ended up laughing uncontrollably and pecked me on the left cheek before dragging her man along to most likely practice all that I had preached in the song. I even think I heard her say “That boy is really something” as they gained distance away from me. ‘Motherfucker’ himself looked back at me with puzzlement as he allowed himself to be arrested. I was more than certain that only his chick knew those were not the original lyrics of the song.

Anyway, I made for the hostel, settled on my bed, brought out my phone and my earpiece and …………YOU KNOW THE REST!

God bless….Nothing less.