HELP!!! I’m a Bloody Pervert not a Paedophile!

“Hmmn….Lord help me o! Lord, please pardon me ‘cos I think I’m fast losing my mind. GAWD!!! What was I thinking? What was I being tempted to become? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???”

Em…hi you. How are you? Fine shey? Okay. I’m sure you’re confused now and wondering what it is that’s bothering me huh? Hmmn…me I’m confused o! I really don’t know and…and…INFACT, I’m fucking scared right now sef. As in, I haff started scaring for myself by myself and with myself. I just don’t know what the bloody hell is wrong with me.

Anyway sha, I do know two things. First is that the devil is a bloody liar and he will not succeed in my life. May he never have his way in your life too o!

Secondly, Konji na bastard….as in…KONJI NA BLOODY BASTARD!!! May Konji never put you to shame o! Hmmn…better say your amen now because I know what I’m talking about.

Okay, permit me to confess my sins and share my story now. See what happened o! Hmmn…..I was in my room jejely last night, writing the concluding part of the ‘Beautiful Girl’ series when I received a mail alert. I opened that mail to find a picture revealing a very pretty young lady with a message beneath it – “Yetunde wants to connect with you on ‘TWOO’. Click ‘Yes’ to open a ‘twoo’ account and chat with her instantly”.

Now, this e-mail got me really excited. The picture that I beheld particularly gave me a hard-on because, my-oh-my!...the beautiful damsel in it had curves that could make Nicki Minaj retire immediately from flaunting her assets all over music videos. I mean, I saw this picture of a hawt sexy thang blessed with a light-skinned face, wearing a ‘come-and-do’ smile and carrying nicely-made braids besides a tempting ‘Manchester’ and an alluring ‘Arsenal’.

I know I ought to have ignored this tempting offer and continued my writing. After all, you as my reader, comes first in my internet priorities. But I swear, if you had seen this picture ehn! You would have said “Bros, na so you go allow this beta toto waka pass? Beta go hiage the babe one time!”

Truth is, I didn’t even realise I was acting on impulse until I discovered that I was already signing-up for a ‘twoo’ account. It didn’t take long at all and I made sure I uploaded my best picture. What then followed as a pleasant surprise was discovering that the beauty who sent me an invitation was online immediately I was done creating a profile and clicking on the chat section.

O boy eeee!!! Excitement bin wan kill me die! No be small tin. I immediately put my ‘perv game’ to the test by clicking on the ‘Chat with her now’ link………….

ME: Hi beautiful. Though I don’t recall that we’ve ever met, thanks for the invitation. I’m here now so when are you gonna send me your ‘VIP’ invitation?”

YETUNDE: *Blushing*….thanks for the compliment. It’s true we’ve never met but I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. I love your blog and I read each post as it gets out. Then, sorry but what do you mean by ‘send you my VIP invitation?”.

ME: Aww….that’s such a sweet thing to say. And oh that! *Grin* It simply means ‘when are you gonna send me your ‘Very Irresistible Pussy’ invitation?..*wink*

YETUNDE: Oh! LMAO!...Gawd! You really are a perv!...ROTFL

ME: Well, I’m not called That Bloody Pervert for nothing you know?...lol

Yetunde and I got along very well during our chat, which was spiced with lots of dirty talk. She fell quickly for me and promised to be at my place as early as 9am this morning to confirm if I was really good at ‘practising what I preach’ in my blog and you bet I slept with much anxiety last night. Matter of fact, I did have a pre-fuck with her in my dream….lolz.

But then, simply because my blog got Yetunde having high expectations of me, I knew there was no room for any form of disappointment. Even though I regard myself a natural expert in bedmatics aka bedroom soccer, I didn’t want to leave our first match to chance. You know the popular saying about first impressions right? I just couldn’t trust ‘Mr. Peniscillin’ a 100% in this kind of situation, knowing fully well that I represent best after a big bottle of Legend extra stout over an engaging chit-chat.

I then decided to take an ‘artificial’ option – I resulted to taking ‘Yara kan’ (one room), a local herbal mixture at 8am knowing that by 9am when she would have arrived, ‘Mr. Peniscillin’ wouldn’t have any excuse not to impress like madt.

Maaayyynneeeee!!! Would you believe that this chick called me by 9:15am begging me to understand that she couldn’t make it over anymore because she had to run some errands for her mum???? O boyeeee!!! I bin wan die naaa!!! She ended the call with another promise to visit tomorrow unfailingly, not knowing that ‘Mr. Peniscilin’ was already as alert as a customs officer and ready to fully ‘seize’ her CUNTraband.

I instantly tried to put a call to my hoe, Bessy (the one who fucks me every Friday and who I pay monthly) to pay me a visit on short-notice with the intention of promising her good compensation for my irregular request but discovered that both her phone lines were unreachable. Ewooooo!!!!

By 9:45, I felt like taking my own life. I hated myself like crazy ‘cos I was then very uncomfortable. You know what I mean naa? My dick was hard-rock stiff and was to remain so for the next 60 minutes without any pussy to mount. Chai! I knew I was done for. Even ‘wanking’ to my collection of ‘mojo’ (porn) didn’t help my case at all. Infact, it only made ‘him’ stronger.

Ah! I felt like crying o! What made it worse was that even though I felt hungry a few minutes later, I couldn’t leave my room to buy rice and turkey because of the shame and embarrassment the huge bulge in my pants would cause me outside.

I felt helpless and stupid until I heard a “da-da” sound coming from the corridor just outside my room. I got curious and stealthily opened the door to find a baby with a lollipop in hand. The little girl was drawing an imaginary picture on my door and I recognised her as the daughter of the housekeeper whom I faintly heard sweeping downstairs. I hissed and shut the door but no sooner had I done that to return to my misery than that BASTARD DEVIL popped-up inside my head……………………………

DEVIL: Guy how far naa? You no go use dat pikin help your condition so? You know say nothing for you again aspa lamba today? Hehehe!

ME: Ehn? Devil, wetin you dey yarn so? How the talk take be for ya mouth sef? Have you no shame at all? Make I abuse dis small pikin abi?

DEVIL: Guy relax! Shey you wan dey dull yourself ni? You see sweet opportunity to help yourself and go arrange chow for ya doormort and you dey dull yaself. Omo, you go tey for ya condition o! Hehehe!

ME: Mehn, you know it’s not right nau? It’s a little girl we’re talking about here naa! You wan make I tear her toto to pieces ni?

DEVIL: Hehehe…Bros, I see say you slow well-well. See the pikin naa! No be lollipop she dey lick so? Just convince am make she lick your own lolly small and you go dey alright. You know say her mama dey sweep for downstairs and she no go know? Better sharp-up!

ME: Chai!....DEVIL….You too bad. Make I chook dis my big, hard prick for inside dis small pikin mouth? Omo, I no fit do dat kain tin oooo!!!

DEVIL: Ehen? Oya naa! Siddon for dia!. At least, after one hour, your prick go come down. Yeye! Mtscheew!!! Wo! I DON WAKA JOOR! (Vanishes from my thoughts).

Mehn!…..I was in a fix now. But just on the other side of my room door was a little struggling-to-walk female who could help my condition without the knowledge of her mother. I quickly opened my door to discover that the baby was still there. She couldn’t have been more than two years old and the way she even started concentrating fully on the lollipop with heavy tongue-strokes, licking and splashing saliva all over the tiny imprisoned ball of sweetness further increased my problem because ‘Mr. Peniscillin’ had started making attempts to bust a hole in my trousers. I was fucking hungry and needed to go outside. I was fucking confused and helpless……..I decided to do it!

“Come baby…fine fine baby…..come to daddy….coooommmmeeeeee!”

Getting the child’s attention was easy but she just refused to come to me. I suddenly remembered that babies were easily appeased with music so I decided to try a part of ‘D.Banj’s ‘Mr. Endowed’ in my corrupt version.

“Hey sexy baby, I see that you’ve been licking on your lollipop but lemme give you a reason to lick me…..I’ve got a special something you will like to lick too, allow me give you a clue……"

Damn! My shit sure worked like magic. The child was giggling now at my singing and walked with much struggle into my outstrectched arms. I quickly carried her inside and locked my room door. I had to waste no time incase her mum got curious and started looking for her. I hurriedly stripped off my trousers and boxers and in a quick second, brought out my turgid, swollen cock. As it dropped down and dangled in front of the naïve child, I expected fear and possibly a loud cry but was relieved when her enlarged eyes showed excitement at the ‘new toy’ that I had brought out for her.

“Baba God, no vex for me, your pikin o! I never do dis kain tin before o! I know say na me take my hand do myself but I gaz help my condition” I spoke to God facing the ceiling. The little girl still chuckled in excitement at the show I had given her so far. It was now time to treat her to the main event and I held on to my shaft.

“Take baby, here baby….lick this sweet….suck this sweet” I said while taking ‘Mr. Peniscillin close enough to the innocent child’s mouth. She had just responded by opening it and bringing out her tongue for some bigger lollipop licking when my phone suddenly rang. “Oooooooh! Which kain winshi be dis nau? Unknown number sef” I was upset but I decided to take it.

“Hello…Hello…Debola wasup? Where are you? I need some of your mojo and I’m in front of your gate”

I instantly recognised the voice and heaved a big sigh of relief. On the line was BESSY!

“DEVIL!.................YOU ARE A LIIIAARRR!!!” I screamed.