Hallo there! How are ya? Fine I hope. I also bet you’re surprised to find me here again so soon. Well, I really didn’t intend to put up a new post until much later but a new and surprising development prompted this. You know what it is? Can you guess? C’mon nau! Try and take one good fucking guess. How far? Any luck? Choi! You be olodo! Oya stop racking your weak-ass brain joor and lemme tell ya.
You see, yesterday was a fucking memorable day for me. As in, a red-letter day of some sort; a unique day; a special day; history in the making, blah blah blah! Call it whatever you like but just understand that yesterday was indeed a very remarkable day in the history of my blog. Why? Because my blog got its FIRST HATER!
Yeah! I’m fucking serious! My blog recorded its first DISS ever! Honestly, I’m glad. I’m stupendously pleased because before now, I used to wonder if peeps actually read my stories, talk less of finding them entertaining enough. I used to think that Google fed me with ‘zobo’ concerning number of page-views and all that mumbo-jumbo regarding my readership but I guess I’m no longer a ‘Doubting Thomas’. Google, abeg no vex for me o! You know say I still remain loyal? If no be una, how I for take dey share my perverted thoughts to the world naa???. Abeg no mind me o! Una get mouth!....lolz.
Yeah, as I was saying, I am now convinced that peeps actually do read my shit despite the fact that they are too lazy to leave comments. Shit happens you know? I know that one day sha, I’ll be having comments pouring in non-stop like my blog-goddess’ erotic blog. I’ll be patient.
Now, let it be known, this post is dedicated to my first hater. It’s important that I put up this post because, in all the 33 or so days that my blog has been in existence, I only got my first diss yesterday. Now is that remarkable or what?
Since I saw that ‘Mtscheeew!’ comment, I’ve been thinking. “How did such a comment come about? Did my mystery person somehow, by pure luck or anything, actually get to read that post and got pissed? I certainly hope not because even though she is now my second most favourite blogger, I still admire and respect her.”
I consulted my hostel buddies while we drank beer last night on the matter and became convinced otherwise. According to what they jointly said – “Guy na lie joor! You think say that celebrity blogger go get dat kain time to waste on small fry like you? E go be all these your female readers wey dey usually masturbate to your regular stories. You know say you dey normally describe sex well for your posts and that title, ‘She must come by fire, by force’ dey suggest correct hardcore sex? The person just vex after im read am say im nor fit wank to am because you no describe how you make person ‘come’ for there. Na so the tin be o! No mind that person. Na lamba!”
I later pondered over this and was like “hmmn….this is most likely true”. My buddies raised valid points and that reader probably opened my post in wanking excitement, only to find out that the post was about a somewhat boring confession and addressed to someone in particular. Na wa o!
But chill though! I know I am a sex blogger but that shouldn’t mean I must be the typical sex blogger. Can’t I just be unique and be that sex blogger with a difference? Are you not fed up the usual “He came close to me and my body ached for his touch. He kissed me and gently licked my nipples while I gasped in helpless pleasure before he gently put one finger inside my pussy and fingered me. I responded by sucking his dick and we fucked and fucking bloody came….blah..blah..blah!” Is that the kind of sex tale you want to read for the rest of your life? DON’T YOU WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT?....SOMETHING WITH FLAVOUR AND TWISTS? Na wa for you o!
The simple truth is that there are many blogs out there that people can actually wank to; such as my personal favourite – ratederotic.com. I honestly advise anyone interested in wanking to visit that site and knock himself/herself out. Trust me, that is an AWESOME website to visit when you’re horny or just want to be sexually entertained. My blog however, is more often than not, about using corrupted song lyrics to tell sexual stories. I also add a little bit of humour whenever possible. So why the bloody hell must I conform to GIVING FULL DETAILS OF EVERY FUCKING SEX SCENARIO??? *sigh*. Some of my readers just don’t get me yet but in time, I know they surely will.
Now, I don’t normally do this, but since I’m talking about history in the making, allow me address my first hater now……………………
“Dear hater, thank you very much for your ‘Mtscheew’ comment. You try well-well and I’m grateful. Infact, I’m so grateful that I wish you the exact same and lots of similar comments when you start your own blog (that is if your brain will ever be creative enough to make such a bold move). Now, from what I saw, it is quite clear that you were very disappointed with my last post. You feel like I led you on with my powerful post title – ‘She must come by fire, by force’ and got pissed when I refused to describe how I actually made any bitch come. My bad!
Look hoe, it’s not too late to still use that dildo or vibrator of yours. Allow me make up for your disappointment with this story. It’s full of hard-core sex and I’m sure you’ll like it.”……………………………………….
Last week, we (YOU and I) met in a pub and while I was minding my own business, you suddenly walked up to me with stinky breath and cried out “Mr. Pervert, please, I need your help. I have never had an orgasm in my life and that makes me scared. I feel like I am not normal and that scares the shit out of me. I have even tried all kinds and sizes of dicks, dildos and vibrators but all my cumming attempts have been to no avail. Please help me….I beg of you!”
I look you in the eyes like I’m searching them for the truth about the status of your pussy, shake my head in pity, thump my glass of stout hard on my table and bellow – “MR. PERVERT TO THE RESCUE!!!”
Soon, we are in a cab heading to your place. You initially requested that I take you to mine but I declined. My momma would beat the crap out of me if she saw what you looked like. After 15 minutes, we arrive your place and you immediately lead me to your room so we can go ‘straight to business’.
“Kiss me!” you begin by asking with pouted lips. “Hian! If I hear!” I respond. There ain’t no way I could taste your foul-smelling saliva. “Pull your pant joor! No be come you wan come?”
You get disappointed that I choose not to romance your lips but you cooperate anyway because you have no fucking choice. After all, you’re the bloody hoe in need, aren’t you?
As soon as you undress and you’re completely naked, I shake my head again. Nothing just seems right about you. Your face is wack. Your boobies have low self-esteem and your pussy has way too much bush. “Oya lie down” I say and you obey like the obedient bitch that you are.
You hand me a condom and expect me to start fucking you straight away but I have a plan of my own. I first insert one finger into your pussy and try to get you wet. Two fingers go in next and I start fingering you hard. But instead of moaning in pleasure, you’re making the ‘Mtscheew’ sound and I realise your case may be very serious. I then insert the third finger and you still go “Mtscheew”. Soon, the fourth and fifth go in too and since you’re still ‘Mtscheewing’, I become convinced that your pussy may be just too wide for me to actually help you achieve an orgasm.
With all five fingers thrusting deep and fast inside your fat, thick cunt, I ask you “Will you be coming soon” but your response is “No”. I then force my fist all the way up to my elbow inside your loose-ass pussy and it goes in freely. You moan loudly now and squirm in pleasure “Oooh! Awwww.! Yessssss!” but you still admit you won’t be coming anytime soon.
Some precum leaks from your cunt and you ask if I would be inserting my precious, sweet dick inside your wide-as-fuck punani. I tell you “soon” but I know better. I increase the tempo of the fist-fucking but after about 10 minutes you’re still yet to come. All you’re doing now is irritating me by squealing “Oh give it to me! I like the way you’re fucking me! Oh yes! Oh YES!!!”
Because I’m already fed up with your stupid-ass, miserable self, I reach for a big tuber of yam close to a pot under your bed. It is probably what you planned to have for dinner but I couldn’t care any less now. I need to return to the pub to continue my drinking even though I promised to make you come. I have to fulfil that promise despite your third-mainland bridge prototype vagina and your ‘Mtscheewing’. My fist may not be able to do the job but I bet the tuber of yam fucking will. After all, YOU MUST COME BY FIRE, BY FORCE!
THE END
P.S: Please, if there’s anyone…anybody at all out there who is close to TWEET ORACLE, the CEO of auracoolonline.com, I need some help. That fella has been outrageously kind to me and though I’ve thanked him, I strongly feel I haven’t communicated my ‘Thank You’ thoroughly. I do not wish to state all that he’s done for me here but if you truly are close to him, PRETTY PLEASE! try and make him understand that I’m fucking grateful and will always remain loyal and humble towards him. Only you can communicate such a message perfectly because you truly are close to him and he’ll get the depth of my gratitude from you.
God bless you as you help me with this. Thanks!
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