El-Devino’s seemed pretty dead from outside save for a few young men and women who were standing, chatting and laughing over only God knows what. Mama Nkechi’s place, on the other hand, usually received patrons with a loud welcome in the form of heavy-blasting music and loud cackling from tipsy or drunk fun-seekers as well as young, cock-hungry female hustlers. The big glass doors of the new joint seemed inviting though and complimented my looks as I stood in its reflection so I decided to go in and see if I would like what was inside.
The sight within definitely didn’t disappoint…..the sound was the actual problem. It was boring as fuck. Everything I saw appealed to my sense of sight but what I heard the moment I stepped into the exquisite-looking pub insulted my sense of sound. The scenery, such an oxymoron, was dark and sinful, yet bright and beautiful. Flashy coloured bulbs lit everywhere in a subtle manner. There were tall seats directly in front of the bar, looking very inviting with their bright varying colours. The regular tables placed strategically around the room, though quite small, seemed like they could carry a few rounds of drinks without actually complaining. Picture frames of famous musicians; both foreign and local, were hung on the walls and the big cushion seats looked very cosy. Some hustlers who were pretending to be actual customers were already seated and sipping slowly from bottles of Smirnoff Ice. Obviously, they were waiting for potential customers to find them attractive enough to join them, pay for their drinks and possibly negotiate a round or two of fuckery. I knew their game damn too well. They certainly couldn’t fool me…..lolz
Now the sound ehn?....Chai! There was a big problem with the music. Celine Dion’s ‘All coming back to me’ was the track that the DJ was playing and I didn’t know how the bloody hell I was expected to practice both my ‘Azonto’ and ‘Etighi’ dance steps to that. Anyway, at least the music wasn’t loud enough to disturb a phone conversation. I decided to call Woody and report the whack-ass DJ to him.
I strolled towards the bar counter and chose a tall green seat. I suspected the barman instantly wanted to welcome me and take my order but I had already taken-out my phone, dialled my buddy’s number and placed it close to my right ear. The barman paused just then and pretended to be looking at the menu, which he had by now, placed in front of me.
“Hello….Yo! where you at mayne? It’s already 7pm and you better not keep this nigga waiting.” I threatened my pal jokingly.
“Er…hey buddy! Er…em…look I’m sorry mayne. Tha Bossman sure kept me working longer than usual. However, I shouldn’t be late for more than an extra hour. Sorry buddy!”
“What da fuck! You mean you gon’ leave me here all by myself in this strange looking place for an extra 60 minutes?”
“Sorry but can’t help it mayne. I’ll make up for it. And you can’t possibly be alone nau! Ain’t no hootchies around?” his voice sounded pacifying.
“Er..well, there are a bunch of ‘em but they all ain’t look good to me.” Came my response.
“You don’t say. Well do try and find one you can manage ehn? My treat!” I could instantly sense Woody’s smile.
“Gosh! You do know how to compensate a nigga. Okay then! Thanks!” I hoped he could equally sense my grin. I hung up and tucked the phone back into my pocket.
The patient barman quickly seized the long-awaited moment and sang out a beautiful string of words, which I assumed he used on all new customers. “You’re welcome to El-Devino’s sir. Here you’ll experience relaxation and satisfaction like never before. An ambient atmosphere we have here to help you ease-out whatever stress you may be carrying on your shoulders sir. What may I get your esteemed self to drink please?”
I admired his courtesy in as much as it failed to make me feel as special as it intended to. “Er…would you by any chance have a cold bottle of Guinness?” I asked mindfully.
The shock that instantly took over his face was both glaring and amusing as he quickly sized me up. “Oh certainly not sir! Pardon me but that thick, black, unrefined liquid is for only those without fine taste. No offense sir. I would encourage you to go for something more befitting….something more matching with your fine look sir.”
Chai!!! In my head I was like “Shoo! Did this bloody civilian bartender just insult my most revered brand of stout or what? Is he mad? Didn’t he know that stout was for real men? That stout was beneficial to the body in more ways than one? Was he such a fool???” However, the words that ended up leaving my mouth were “Oh really? Er…okay. Em…..how about you surprise me then?” while forcing a smile.
The idiotic barman suddenly brightened up with excitement. “Oh very well sir! I have got just the thing for you. One ‘Bloody Mary’ coming up!” he said, leaving my presence just then to go about mixing a concoction I was completely unfamiliar with.
“Hmmn….A Bloody Mary? Does she come with a soaked pad? I asked giving my best wicked smile.
“Huh? I beg your pardon”
“Er…Never mind! I was only thinking out loud.” I quickly submitted. The fool didn’t get the joke and I sure didn’t want to piss him off enough to have him slip something into my glass cup.
“Here you are sir!” My drink had no longer been served on the counter than the big glass doors instantly flew open and he swaggered in. Yes! In full royalty, he swaggered in. I’m referring to that Shoc Boi o!….That nigga Ice Pwince. Bouncing in in the company of a monster-looking aide and a middle-aged man in suit, he was ushered towards a row of cushion seats at the far end of the room and that was exactly when shit started to go down.
As the ‘Oyeku Master’ walked in with magician swag, the female hustlers who had been sipping from their bottles and who looked in the direction of the entrance/exit just when I did, quickly recognised him and went into a frenzy. In a flash, they were all up and dashing towards the newest celebrity patron screaming “Ice Pwince!...Oh my God, it’s Ice Pwince! I love you Ice Pwince!..ICE PWINCE!!!”
It was just a huge shame about what came next. It was either the bouncer was gay as fuck or he just simply hated the ugly sight of hustlers trying to get at his boss. Just when these bitches got close enough to wrap their arms around their’ Magician’, the gigantic fella swung one arm out in a vicious attempt to block them. The end result was disastrous indeed. The first bitch got hit and flew in my direction, crashing on me and more sadly, knocking off my drink; a drink whose taste I was still yet to savour.
The deed being done, the other hustlers stopped in their tracks first before making a diversion towards where their friend lay on the floor. Shock was written all over their faces and such was the expression on that of my dear bartender. Only Ice Pwince and I wore similar looks of indifference on our faces, left alone for the wicked aide whose facial expression remained the stone-cold same. Oh yeah! The man in suit who I suspected was the pub manager only shook his head in pity at the ladies.
It wasn’t until these hoes had helped their comrade up and were making their way back to their seats that both the barman and Ice Pwince noticed me rubbing and cleaning off some of the drink that spilled on my pants. Just as the bartender kept saying “sorry sir” for the wasted expensive drink that I was still going to pay for, something both amusing and surprising happened.
I never imagined such could happen but it actually did. He must have probably sized me up from where he stood and realised I was a customer who couldn’t be treated with disdain. He ignored the plea from the suited fool who kept urging him to keep on walking with him, probably to the waiting VIP section of the joint. In any case, that was simply how our ‘Oyeku Master’ made his way towards me.
“Sorry bruv. My bad. Don’t worry, I gatchu!” he said to me before turning to the barman “Yo! Could you please entertain my good man here with a bottle of Henny on me?”
“Nah mayne! It’s okay. I planned on getting myself another drink anyway. Just gotta wipe this off. Thanks still.” Was my exact reply.
Ice Pwince seemed startled for a moment. He sized me up again and said “Yo! I ruined your earlier attempt at drinking. It’s only proper that I make it up to you and set things right mayne” he said very persuasively.
I didn’t want to rudely refuse his generous offer but I also didn’t want him to buy me a drink out of sheer guilt. After all, I also came with my money. It wasn’t the kind celebrities like the Shoc Boi made but it was surely my proud income.
“It’s okay Ice Pwince. You really don’t need to compensate me. I’m capable of buying myself another round” I said gently and politely but Ice Pwince refused to budge and that was exactly when the situation started to get out of hand.
“What? C’mon mayne! I mean, you already know me. This is Ice pwince bruv. Okay, okay I’m actually insisting on buying you a chilled bottle of Henny. You know I rep that brand? Plus you know…………(breaking into his song)
Anytime we talk say we go rock o! We go all the way….We go all the way!
Now, I was like “what tha fuck!!! Was this fool actually singing to me? Did I look like the ‘hootchies’ his bouncer fenced off earlier?” I decided to show him.
I gave a good chuckle first and then a smile before responding to an equally smiling Ice Pwince. “Yeah I know. But then I am Dr. Cockintush and em………”
Anytime I talk say I go fuck o! I go all the way…….I go all the way!
Ice Pwince certainly didn’t realise then whom exactly he was dealing with. He was still bent on showing off and said “Oho! So my bruv here sings too huh? Cool mayne! However…………………(and resumed singing)
Better cars…better clothes on me
Better houses….better parties….better girls on me
See I can take you there….champagne everywhere
And that’s the life we live….like everyday
Yeah, I’ma SUPERSTAR!!!
“Haha!” Ice Pwince laughed at his own cleverness not knowing who he was up against. His bouncer had joined us by now and was staring at me suspiciously. I didn’t give a damn about him though. I gave the ‘Oyeku Master’ my sharp and insulting reply.
Better sluts.....single moms on me
Mature pussies getting fucked and they bring money
See, I do take her there......my sperm goes everywhere
And that's the life I live.....like everyday
(I take out my phone and pretend to be receiving a call – “Oh hello Mrs Yamani. Oh you need it right now? Okay, I’ll be there ASAP! I end the conversation and deliver the final knockout punch-line to the Oyeku Nigga.)
YEAH! I'MA CHOOK-HER STAR!
It was such a big shame that I never got to see whatever expression that Ice Pwince wore on his pitiful face. In an instant, I was knocked out flat on the floor by a heavy punch from Mr. Bouncer. I must have been out for like 3 minutes but when I opened my eyes, I was resting in a seat beside my good friend Woody. I wasn’t sure when he actually joined me but I could feel a plaster over my nose, which I felt was broken. I looked around and discovered that the room was already full with patrons who were jumping and bopping their heads to a loud ‘Oyeku’ performance from the one and only Ice Pwince himself. In front of me and on my table was a can of Guinness stout, which made my eyes open wide. I quickly made a rush for it.
“Easy there buddy!” Woody said to me smiling. “Slip slowly ehn? I could only pull off one favour from the manager. I doubt he’d be willing to allow another can in.”
“Uhum…I see.” I said gulping the shit. I tilted my head a bit too much backwards and felt a sharp pain in my nose. “Ouch!” I moaned, placing my right palm on it.
“Sorry mayne!” Whatever happened between you and Ice Pwince anyway?”
“Mayne, FUCK HIM JOOR! He and his ‘dog’ there are just plain stupid. I hate that nigga!”
“Plain stupid? You hate him?? Mayne I don’t get you, you know? I thought everybody loves Ice Pwince???”
“SHARAAAP!” I bellowed. “Not everybody loves Ice Pwince!”
(THE END)
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