*shaking ma head*…..All these celebrities sef! They just think they’re the shit, don’t they? They think they’re badasses and can do just what the fuck they want and to whomever they want, right? *smh*…. I mean, so what if you’re an Oyeku Master? Nigga you ain’t shit to me. So what if you’re a freaking Shoc Boi?? You sure ain’t shit to me! And so fucking what if you’re either a Magician or a Superstar??? Damn you still ain’t shit to me!!! Look, I’m gon’ fucking become a superstar myself someday, and when I do, I’m gonna be fucking humble and nice to people. You best believe that.
Hey you! Better person. Wasup jawe? I’m sure you’re wondering what is up with me today. Well, I ain’t feeling so good right now because I’m currently nursing a broken nose. My fucking precious nose that I use to sniff a good pussy before licking was broken by the one and only self-acclaimed Oyeku Master – Ice Pwince. Damn I hate that nigga!!! Oh my poor nose!…*sad face*
Well, actually, it wasn’t the ‘Icy Namani’ who did the punching and resulting nose-breaking. His bouncer did but the stupid-ass mo’fucker didn’t even hold him back or anything. All he kept asking while peering into my dazed and bloody face on the floor was “Shit! Are you alright mayne? Are you alright?”. Fuck! Like that question was going to help my situation. Anyway, I don’t blame him. If not for the fact that I’m a peace-loving nigga and I somewhat dig his music, I would be making sure he hears from my lawyers soon.
You know what? Damn that nigga Woody as well for making me visit that pub in the first place. If Woody had not persuaded me to patronise that lame-ass pub, I wouldn’t have gotten fucking punched in the face. I would have had my regular fun with stout and a new young hoe at Mama Nkechi’s place. No whack-ass celebrity goes there to make trouble for sure. I’m just glad Woody called earlier to say he’d be checking-in today from work. I’ll do my best to make him ‘feel my pain’ when he gets here.
The nose-breaking tale all started last week Friday with Woody bugging me and bitching about some new pub that recently opened in my neighbourhood.
“C’mon, mayne! It would be good to hang-out somewhere new for a change” he began that very Friday afternoon over a phone conversation.
“Mayne, I don’t know. I think I’d prefer the usual fun. Besides that place looks too posh for my liking. What if they don’t sell stout?”
There you go again bro. Of course they won’t have stout on sale! It’s a new and classy place mayne! You’re supposed to step up your game and drink expensive spirits like true hommies do. Must you always drink stout? There’d be Henny, Vodka, Cognac and the likes to choose from. We can try those. C’mon mayne, let’s spend this money right!”
“Spend money right? Are you fucking kidding me?? You very well know that I can afford all these brands of liquor you’re mentioning. It’s just that stout always gives me that unique feeling which no other drink can. I mean, I’ve sampled most drinks nau! You know nau! What is so special about Remy Martin, Jelzin Vodka, J&W whisky, Mc Dowells and er….er…” but Woody didn’t let me finish.
“I know, I know! Even if it’s Jack Daniels, I very well know you can afford it. Okay, you know what? Pleeeeeaase just do me this favour tonight and let’s hang out at this new joint just this one time. After tonight, we can return to patronising your dear Mama Nkechi. C’mon mayne! C’mon!” I could feel the sincere plea in his voice and I was moved. Damn! The sacrifices I make for friends.
“Okay, okay! Just this one time. We’ll hang-out at the new spot. What time do we meet up?” I asked my dear pal.
“The usual time buddy. 7pm!” His voice had gone back to the normal cheerful and excited tone now and I couldn’t help but smile.
“Okay buddy! We’ll hook up by 7. Don’t be late!” I warned him.
“Nah! I won’t be. I’ll get off by 5 as usual and be there as soon as I can. I might even join you before 7pm, who knows? You know the new spot is even closer to the crib? It’s closer than your dear Mama Nkechi’s bar and you’ll definitely save some money on transp……” I quickly retaliated and cut in.
“Hey buddy! Don’t push your luck. I just might change my mind about your idea now. Mama Nkechi comes first anytime, anyday, okay?”
I felt the soberness in my pal’s reply “Yeah, okay. Please don’t change your mind.”
And that was how the venue for our hang-out that Friday was settled. By 6:30pm, I was already dressed-up and ready to go out. The thought of biking to the new spot made me a bit nervous though. Each time I passed by the place from my frequent outings, exquisite cars were always parked in front of its vicinity; giving it that classy and elite look. Mama Nkechi’s place however was regularly bombarded with regular, everyday vehicles and commonplace motorcycles. At Mama Nkechi’s place, I always felt free and felt like I could be myself with stout, loud music and female company. I didn’t know what to expect at this new place. What if I didn’t like it? Oh well! A promise made is a promise to be kept.
I locked the apartment and headed out onto the street where I found an okada man dropping off a passenger close by. “How far? You dey go?” I asked as I sped up my walk. “Where I dey go oga?” the hausa rider responded smiling, obviously admiring my outfit consisting of a Tommy Hilfiger t-shirt on straight Levis jeans and Clarks trekkers with a Gucci wristwatch and leather wristband to complete the wicked look.
“I dey go El-Devino’s” came my reply.
Okay “I go carry am por 80 Naira”.
“Huh? El-Devino’s just down the road? No o! Na 50 Naira I get.”
“Hava oga! I na vig man nau! See as I pine well-well. Dash me sometin nau oga!” *smiling*
I guess his compliment worked like a charm. “Okay. Make we go”. I got on the bike and we zoomed off.
I ditched the okada man a few yards from El-Devino’s. I didn’t want to make it obvious to everyone at the entrance that I arrived on a bike. Woody would have easily queried me “Guy, why you go fall ma hand nau? Why you no take your car?” I didn’t want to drive though because I knew he would be driving straight there from the office. It made no sense to me leaving the place as friends in two separate cars. What the bloody hell were we trying to prove???..........................(To Be Continued)
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