The Valentine Job

Morning you! Have a good night sleep? Goooooodd! Yes! I don show, I don show! Make I start to dey yarn all the rubbish as you don know!... Lolz.

Don’t mind me jare. Truth is, I’m so excited today. Wanna know why? Well, I woke up this morning to read an e-mail from someone I admire so much telling me….telling me….wait for it…….TELLING ME THAT MY BLOG IS COOL!

Isn’t that just great??? Wanna know who? It’s none other than the very famous, highly admired, widely celebrated, our very AURACOOL! Y’all know that nigga right? If you don’t I’d have to say you are so on a loonnngg tin. Yep! No doubt ‘cos that nigga be famous on twitter and he even got his own website and shit.

Anyway, I’ve decided to thank him in my own little way. There is this very old school song about a guy wanting to be very close to his lady. Can’t actually remember the artiste’s name now but maybe you could help me if you know it by dropping it in my comment box.

Anyway, the chorus of the song goes like this……

I just wanna be so close to you
Do all the things you want me to
I just wanna be so close to you
And tell you the way I feel

Know the song now? I sure hope so ‘cos it’s really so old, e likely say na only our Papa and Mama dem go know am. By the way, I just wanna let you know I see the guy who wrote and sang the song as a total loser. I’m also sure that after singing it, his woman didn’t give either head or pussy to fuck. Why?? Simply because he chose not to be straight and direct with the bitch. Trust me, I know bitches well and I know all about the ‘Shakara’ they put up when they know a guy is in ‘Need’.

If I had been this dude, I would have so hit the nail on the head to get me some pussy by singing……..

I just wanna put my prick in you
Do all the moves you want me to
I just wanna put this dick in you
‘Cos konji is what I feel

Now, that’s how a nigga be getting some ass! Straight up straight forward talk! Women always pretend but they really do like a guy who talks dirty and speaks his mind about sex. Trust me, I know ‘cos I’ve slept with plenty women.

So….back to my poem for AURACOOL…….But mind you, I ain't trying to say I wanna be close to him or some shit...Pleeaase o! I'm straighter than Lexington Steele's erection

I just wanna be grateful to you
For thinking that my blog is cool
I just wanna say ‘Thank You’ to you
‘Cos gratitude is what I feel

Okay, okay! I’ve said my thank you and it’s now time for me to resume my story. Did you even get to read my last post? Hmm…..Shey I fit trust you sha? Anyway, you recall that one senior like that caught me singing to Aisha shey? Yes o! When I was back in the dormitory, the nigga found me in my room listening to music and whisked me upstairs to where the seniors slept. The bastard didn’t even give me the chance to keep my phone and earpiece in my locker so as to avoid his mates ‘Obtaining them’.

When I got there, I met two rough and tough looking seniors on the corridor. They seemed like they had been eagerly expecting my arrival and began rubbing their palms together when they saw me in the hands of their friend. “Chei!” I thought to myself. “I haff enter it o!”

Upon reaching them, the stupid ass senior who abducted me dropped me hard on the floor and I felt a sharp pain on my elbow. I cursed the motherfucker under my breath. “Yes!...Shey na aim be dis?” one of the seniors asked. “Na kuku am o!” my abductor replied. The motherfucker continued while the other observer kept observing…still rubbing his palms together like he was foolishly expecting a spark of fire “So na you dey form ‘Musicoco’ abi? Na you dey form ‘KB & Jojo’?”

“It’s KC & Jojo!” I snapped. I shouldn’t have anyway ‘cos that was instantly greeted with a hot slap from the ‘Fireman’– ‘KPAAOW!’ My face became hot sharp-sharp and I looked up at my slapper wearing a deep frown.

“You never talk back at your senior okay? That’s plain rude. Look…we only brought you here so you could help me” motherfucker said with a look of pity.

“You brought me here ‘cos you need my help? I don’t get” I said. “Well you will now. You are aware that Valentine’s Day comes up tomorrow right? I need you to impress my girl with a song” motherfucker said this smiling now and my frown didn’t turn into a smile but it sure relaxed.

“If I sing fo’yo’ gurl…how much you gon’ pay me?” I asked. “Pay you ke?...Are you serious at all? Would you rather get paid than enjoy protection for a whole year and be entirely free from the bullying and errands of other seniors?” I was asked.

“Er….well, now that you’ve put it that way, I think I’m better off protected. I’m in!” was my response and that made everyone relax and smile.

I left my new friends about 5 minutes later with a promise to sing a ‘special’ Valentine love song to an unknown girl the next day after dinner behind the school’s dining hall. My thoughts went to Aisha and I wondered if she also asked me to teach her that song so she could sing it to her boyfriend. “Chicks sha!” I said to myself and my brain instantly sent me a message……….NAUGHTY MODE ACTIVATED!